getting Ms. Gordon re-acclimated

Welcome back to the United States of America. Quite a bit has changed while you were away, so adjust accordingly. For example, gravity has been cancelled. The concept of charity has been significantly scaled back due to budgetary concerns, and is now called chrt(y). Separation of church and state is a thing of the past, but in a surprise upset, our official religion is the solemn worship of all things Hello Kitty. Our new flag is my old long sleeved Cannibal Corpse t-shirt from high school. Obviously, we will still refer to this new flag as Old Glory. Replacing the eagle as our official bird is what we hope will be a more noble representation of the gentility and grace we aspire to as a nation. Of course I’m talking about Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs mascot. The national anthem remains the Star-Spangled Banner, but it is now only officially recognized when sung by former members of New Edition. You should hear Johnny Gill ripping that song up, and you will at the next Indianapolis 500, which is now mandatory viewing for anyone wishing to obtain a passport. Oh, and it is now considered grossly unpatriotic to rollerblade in public, so keep that weird shit confined to the privacy of your own home. That’s about it! Enjoy your regular-tasting ice cream!


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