24
Jan
09

run-on sentence clearinghouse

(name withheld) first swore vengeance on the world when the podium his
father was standing on to be photographed accepting the (award name
withheld) collapsed and left the old man in a grisly heap in which his
femur had somehow penetrated his eye socket, killing him, though even
death’s cruel pile-on failed to pry the trophy from his grip; indeed,
the old man was buried with the golden cup clenched in his claw of a
hand, quite bluish-looking in the casket, mourners remarked, and the
award was discontinued because an adequate replacement trophy could
not be found.
Soon after his father’s death, he took a wife in a most unusual fashion, devising a plan to kidnap Susanna Melton, the heir to the Delta Sugar Company fortune, with her consent, then use the ransom to fund an elaborate, year-long honeymoon, with a hot-air balloon being the primary means of transportation. He had admired her from afar, and loved her long before it could have been considered reasonable to do so, and when he mentioned his plan to Miss Melton upon their first meeting at a debutante ball he had sneaked into, she was so flattered by the suggestion, and intrigued by the possibility of adventure this young man dressed as a busboy had promised, that she accepted his offer to marry, minus the kidnapping ruse, the first of several lucky breaks that would come to define (name withheld)’s life.
He made his fortune with a series of purported labor-saving devices that were anything but.  As luck would have it, however, it was the very inefficiency of his inventions which brought them into vogue as a symbol of the decadent, carefree period in which they came about, and ownership of products such as the (name of grain alcohol-powered motorized household device withheld) became a prerequisiste for those looking to break into the upper strata of society. 
Late in his life he became obsessed with a recurring dream in which he wandered around as the resident handyman of a luxury hotel, and in his waking hours kept painstaking details in a leatherbound journal of his nocturnal encounters with the hotel’s residents as he fixed their pipes and replaced their lightbulbs. He became convinced that these dreams were a means for him to touch the thin membranous wall separating this life and the next, and spoke of the dreams to perplexed visitors to his deathbed in terms that presumed they had dreamed the same dreams alongside him.  
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1 Response to “run-on sentence clearinghouse”


  1. April 10, 2010 at 11:21 am

    weirdly beautiful. aren’t you supposed to be funny?


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