if you lived at rancho vista apartments, you’d be home by now, but you’d have a neighbor with an adult baby fetish

My literary agent has said he wants me to do more to raise visibility of my “brand”, and recently he gave me a list of suggestions to that end. I question the merit of a highly publicized trip to drug rehab, though, not only because I don’t think it would spill that much ink, but mostly because I will never fucking stop using drugs, no matter who I hurt or how much property I damage along the way.  So instead I’m rolling with one of his other suggestions, and debuting my new Cosmo/Marie Claire-style advice column. As always, these are actual submissions from actual readers. 

Dana, Connecticut: My boyfriend likes me to keep things trimmed pretty closely, you know, down there, but my husband keeps complaining about the scratchy stubble. Help!

As with a lot of things in life, compromise can keep everybody happy. Take a cue from the British and manicure your lady hedge into a shape that everyone can enjoy. Something tasteful, like a lightning bolt. Look around on the internet; I’m sure there are templates you can print out. By the way, this is the only non-Halloween-related personal hygiene item that you should ever take a cue from the British on.

Mistee, Ontario: Lately I’ve been making decisions that have some of my friends worrying about me. I’ve been going home with a lot of guys, and my roommate has said I might be a nymphomaniac. Should I seek out a professional?

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around out there about sexual compulsivity, a/k/a nymphomania, so get the facts first. Here are a few:

1. it is awesome.

2. you should make at least a cursory attempt to convince guys that you have it.

Throughout time, nature has pivoted on the battle over the earth’s finite resources, and the dating world is no different. Do something that separates you from your girlfriends, who, make no mistake about it, are your chief competitors. It’s like when I wanted to start a Misfits cover band, before I realized we wouldn’t be able to compete with that one Misfits cover band that actually has Jerry Only playing in it.

Pam, Florida:  Lately I’ve noticed that gravity has begun taking its toll on my body. Short of finding the fountain of youth, what can I do?   

You may not know this, Pam, but I’ve been watching you for a long time and waiting for the right moment to bring this up. Your current bra is terribly inefficient, and you’re throwing away hundreds of dollars a year in energy costs. Furthermore, the hook assembly at the back is more complicated than the gear shifter on a Soviet car (don’t ask me how I know this; I don’t even have a driver’s license anymore). Think of a new bra as an investment in yourself, girl, and spare no expense. People say the rustproofing is a scam, but just try getting through winter without it.

Sirikit, Thailand: I was kidnapped by sex traders at an early age, but since I turned 17, my value has gone down considerably. So I may be due for a career change, assuming my captors don’t decide it would be cheaper to kill me. Any suggestions? 

Take some time off and find yourself. I’d advise you to study abroad for a semester, but you’re already in a foreign country. Whatever you decide, I wish you nothing but the very best of luck!


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