17
Jun
09

damn your eyes. and your genitals.

Take a break, Skyler, I wanna talk to you about something. You know, I wasn’t always the warehouse manager of this fine furniture store. In fact, this may seem hard for you to believe, but it wasn’t that long ago that I was a lot like you, young man. Yep, out there on the loading bay with my hair falling down in my eyes, wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. Just like you, I was always skulking around the stockroom, shoulders slouched, all suspicious-looking, like I was trying to scout out the least likely place to get caught masturbating on the job.

I had good times, but I was always broke. For a three-year stretch, I subsisted entirely on those cheese and peanut butter crackers. Every morning I’d steal ’em out of this guy Jim’s sack lunch in the break room. When I was a young buck like you, I’d ask my manager for more hours to try and make a little extra scratch, then show up for the early-morning truck delivery and just disappear for long stretches to sleep off my hangover.  I guess you could say I was a bit of a wild child. Any of this sound familiar?

I know what it’s like. I used to call in sick on Mondays and Fridays a lot too. I took a lot of long weekends, had some fun. Back in the day, I’d cross the border into Mexico, get a little wager going on some of the underground orphan deathmatches, come back with a broken arm because I couldn’t cover my losses.

Yeah, I was pretty troubled as a young man. But fortunately I outgrew it, just like you will one day. It took a while, but I got my life together, and you see the results standing before you today. Come to think of it, you and I are a little like a “before and after” photo, you know? These days, the best rush comes from an honest day’s pay and only drug I need is a little caffeine to get me going in the morning. Well, that and the occasional cigarette. Maybe a splash of grain alcohol. Hey, do you know where I could score some blow?

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