in space, no one can hear you stealing cigarettes out of your mom’s space-purse

All right, quiet everyone; let’s all take our seats. Okay, this month’s meeting of the Young Inventors Club is now in session. Thanks to everyone for providing an especially great collection of inventions this month. So, without any further ado, let’s begin:

David, I was very impressed with your device. It reads your pulse during autoerotic asphyxiation, then if you die during the act, it completely incinerates your body.  That way, the family member who discovers you sees only a pile of ash, and doesn’t have to have their last memory of you be “choking while choking.” Very compassionate.

Sharon, I didn’t think you could improve on the video phone you brought in last month, but you have. This program, which alters the background so it looks like you’re someplace besides the horse track while talking to the loan officer at the bank about your mortgage, is the perfect touch. 

Brandon, to be honest, I don’t know if a McDonald’s that serves breakfast all day is an invention, per se, but this is one gorgeous scale model you’ve built here. Kudos to you!

Finally, one of our own has been singled out for recognition. Roger, these men in sunglasses and dark suits are here to see you about your cold fusion replicator. They say you’ve been nominated for a very special secret award and want you to get into their car, no questions asked, just get in the fucking car.


1 Response to “in space, no one can hear you stealing cigarettes out of your mom’s space-purse”

  1. 1 Sarita
    August 13, 2009 at 8:37 am

    This is why I should not read this at work. It’s not the filth; it’s the gratuitous sniggering.

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