you can have my grandma when you pry her out of my cold, dead gun

“Remove the candidate’s hood, Lord Grimlar. The reason why you have been summoned here today is because in our wisdom, we have been keeping an eye on you. As you know, the Secret Order of the Iron Dragon is made up only of men of the heartiest stock and purest character. The privileges of membership in our group include brotherhood, access to the unseen annals of power untold, and your pick of basically any girl on campus. You see, anthropologists have long known that competition for mates was aggressive among our caveman ancestors, and while the females of the species were most likely to select the strongest of the males, they were obviously getting some action on the side from some of the weirder, creepier cavemen, or else the weird and creepy gene would have died out thousands of years ago. So once these stuck-up girls realize our evolutionary advantage, we’re gonna be eyebrow-deep in panties around here, and you could be on the ground floor. Having watched you, Jason Heffnagle, we have determined that the qualities we seek in a member are potentially present in you. But before we allow you into our inner circle, you must complete a list of qualifications intended not only to test your loyalty, but your mettle. First, you must provide a PowerPoint presentation on how to get into the Dean’s private dining room where he entertains educational dignitaries, so we can sneak in with a Sharpie and and draw dicks on all the paintings. Second, you must survive a romantic encounter with our mascot Annie, who awaits you on the other side of that hole in the wall. And finally, you must invent a working pair of X-Ray glasses, so we can more accurately scout out which incoming freshman girls will make the best breeding counterparts. Rise and answer: are you up the the task, Jason Heffnagle?”

“Listen up. If you don’t untie me in ten seconds, I’m coming back here with all the other members of the rugby team, and we’re gonna stomp each and every one of you morons into the ground.”

“Fine, have it your way. but I’m taking your turn with the goat.”


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August 2009
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