30
Sep
09

ingesting peyote, so you don’t have to

REUTERS- A Centers for Disease Control spokesman expressed cautious optimism regarding the containment of the yet-unnamed virus that has devastated communities worldwide over the last 48 hours. The virus, which turns people into giant, superintelligent reptiles that destroy everything in their path, has infected members of all walks of life while demonstrating no regard for social status, wealth, or prior resistance to past strains of human-to-ultrabeast viruses.

Speculation runs rampant about what fuels the monsters on their rampages. Scientists agree that the reptilians can subsist on hamburgers, heirloom wedding dresses that have been passed down for four generations, live panda bears, and childrens’ letters to Santa Claus, but that list is rapidly expanding. Recently, a cadre of reptilian hobos and reptilian high-level members of the federal government were caught by security cameras joining forces at the First National Bank to rip the doors off the safe, then feasting on the gold bars inside.

Though a cure remains far off, scientists have begun work on a pill that will give uninfected humans the virus should the reptilians prove too strong to fight against any longer.

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