Archive for October, 2009


you’re the most attractive person to ever send me gift-wrapped roadkill at work

People are capable of amazing things.

I know the cynical part of my nature gets the better of me a lot of times, but the truth is that there are many unsung heroes among us, doing kind deeds without a lot of fanfare. For example, my grandmother was having car trouble the other day. As you can imagine, some of the folks whose morning commute was slowed as she pulled onto the shoulder and put her hazards on, were less than charitable (in recounting this story, Granny repeated some of the things shouted at her, and I was a little surprised at her comfort level with the anecdotal use of the “c word”). Alone in a strange part of town, she was understandably upset and began to worry. However, just when things looked their bleakest, along came an anonymous gentleman to help her in her time of need. He loaned her his cell phone, then after a quick check under the hood, he told her to get behind the wheel, and he lifted the car over his head and flew her to the nearest mechanic. To top it all off, he paid in advance for any repairs! I wish there was some way to thank him, but before Granny could get his name, he flew off again, telling her that he needed to get downtown to battle a giant robotic spider.  

Sometimes we need reminders of what a great place to live this world can be when we all look out for each other. Just remember this Good Samaritan the next time you’re feeling down after reading all those depressing headlines, like “Crime Rates on the Rise” or “Onlookers Cheer as Orphanage Burns Down” or “Azure Avenger Tragically Slain in Skirmish With Iron Arachnid”. In the meantime, we’re looking into nursing homes for Granny.


the safe word is “continue strangling me.”

Before we get too involved, baby, you should know that I disobeyed the cryptic warnings given to me by the old Chinese man that sold me my penis, having gotten it wet and fed it after midnight almost immediately after getting home. As a result, it is a monster. So watch out. 

Would you care for some more wine? I think we’re at the point in our relationship where you’re ready to hear a few personal things about me that I don’t share with everyone. For example, the  James Bond films are based on my life. They had to make a lot of changes to the original script, though. Apparently, some of my exploits were considered by Hollywood to be too badass to be believable, so I told them to just take my name off the project.

Remember all those emails that listed a bunch of Chuck Norris facts? Go into your inbox, turtledove, dig up one of those emails from 2006 or whenever, and you’ll see that all that text about Chuck Norris carrying you when you only saw one set of footprints has been replaced by the phrase “We were wrong. As it turns out, Chuck Norris is just a crazy dude with an amusing hairpiece. Don’t listen to anything he says.” That’s because HTML retroactively corrects itself when confronted with my presence.

I once entered a strongman contest and dominated the competition so thoroughly that instead of awarding me all the gold medals I had earned, the judges just took the mic and said, “This  man is too strong to be human. Clearly, there can only be one explanation: aliens are living among us. Run for your lives.” But then, to calm the crowd, off the top of my head I wrote and recited the most beautiful and heartbreaking poem ever written, convincing all attendees of my humanity, so they taught me their secret ancient language and made me one of their own. For twenty years I lived among them, taking eight wives and fathering a generation of children. They begged me to stay forever, but I knew I had a destiny to fulfill. Not for my sake, but for the world’s. To share my gifts with the world.

Here, open your hand; I have something for you. Yes, lover, they’re exactly what you think they are. Moon rocks. I got them this morning while flying around our solar system. I do that every day to make sure that ayy-thing’s in order, no comets are about to hit Earth, etc. I’m like a cosmic sentry, and the responsibilities entrusted to me are something I take very seriously. Don’t thank me; the look on your face is a sufficient reward.

Oh, and just so you know, I’d probably be the best rapper alive if I weren’t so busy fronting the metro area’s top Creed tribute band.


space travel made easy

if you’re so lucky as to grow old

you will one day find yourself

living in a time

that had once seemed impossibly far off.

and if you do

try not to look too disappointed.


if you call me hostile one more time, i’m kicking your ass

The challenge: Write 5 minutes of Bill Engvall-esque material.

The subject: Hemorrhoids. Go!

They say the Good Lord giveth and He taketh away. Well, I can attest to that, as recently He hath given me hemorrhoids, and in doing so, He hath taken away my ability to enjoy my morning dump. I guess you wouldn’t want any part of your body to have blood dripping out of it and feel like it’s on fire, but if you had to choose, you wouldn’t choose “asshole”, would you? (ed. note: in a national survey in which participants were questioned which body part they would least like to have blood dripping out of it and feel like it’s on fire, “eyes” was the most commonly named body part. you would have thought “genitals”, but in a stunning upset, it’s “eyes”. do you believe in miracles? well, back to the awesome hemorrhoid jokes!) When you’re a kid, hemorrhoids are about the best punchline ever, until you get older and your doctor’s got his finger up in your business, feeling around like he lost a quarter between the couch cushions. Plus, the medicine they give you! My doctor prescribed me a steroid cream, so I got steroids for my hemorrhoids! While we’re at it, couldn’t the nice folks at Merck or GlaxoSmithKline at least try to come up with a name for the medicine that isn’t just as embarrassing as the condition it’s trying to cure? I’d love to be a part of the focus group that decided, “Yes, Proctocreme is the best possible name for this product!” I’m just glad there’s already an unrelated topical gel called Aspercreme. Get it? Asssss-percreme? (ed. note: hey, they can’t all be winners.)

October 2009
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