if you call me hostile one more time, i’m kicking your ass

The challenge: Write 5 minutes of Bill Engvall-esque material.

The subject: Hemorrhoids. Go!

They say the Good Lord giveth and He taketh away. Well, I can attest to that, as recently He hath given me hemorrhoids, and in doing so, He hath taken away my ability to enjoy my morning dump. I guess you wouldn’t want any part of your body to have blood dripping out of it and feel like it’s on fire, but if you had to choose, you wouldn’t choose “asshole”, would you? (ed. note: in a national survey in which participants were questioned which body part they would least like to have blood dripping out of it and feel like it’s on fire, “eyes” was the most commonly named body part. you would have thought “genitals”, but in a stunning upset, it’s “eyes”. do you believe in miracles? well, back to the awesome hemorrhoid jokes!) When you’re a kid, hemorrhoids are about the best punchline ever, until you get older and your doctor’s got his finger up in your business, feeling around like he lost a quarter between the couch cushions. Plus, the medicine they give you! My doctor prescribed me a steroid cream, so I got steroids for my hemorrhoids! While we’re at it, couldn’t the nice folks at Merck or GlaxoSmithKline at least try to come up with a name for the medicine that isn’t just as embarrassing as the condition it’s trying to cure? I’d love to be a part of the focus group that decided, “Yes, Proctocreme is the best possible name for this product!” I’m just glad there’s already an unrelated topical gel called Aspercreme. Get it? Asssss-percreme? (ed. note: hey, they can’t all be winners.)


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October 2009
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