14
Oct
09

the safe word is “continue strangling me.”

Before we get too involved, baby, you should know that I disobeyed the cryptic warnings given to me by the old Chinese man that sold me my penis, having gotten it wet and fed it after midnight almost immediately after getting home. As a result, it is a monster. So watch out. 

Would you care for some more wine? I think we’re at the point in our relationship where you’re ready to hear a few personal things about me that I don’t share with everyone. For example, the  James Bond films are based on my life. They had to make a lot of changes to the original script, though. Apparently, some of my exploits were considered by Hollywood to be too badass to be believable, so I told them to just take my name off the project.

Remember all those emails that listed a bunch of Chuck Norris facts? Go into your inbox, turtledove, dig up one of those emails from 2006 or whenever, and you’ll see that all that text about Chuck Norris carrying you when you only saw one set of footprints has been replaced by the phrase “We were wrong. As it turns out, Chuck Norris is just a crazy dude with an amusing hairpiece. Don’t listen to anything he says.” That’s because HTML retroactively corrects itself when confronted with my presence.

I once entered a strongman contest and dominated the competition so thoroughly that instead of awarding me all the gold medals I had earned, the judges just took the mic and said, “This  man is too strong to be human. Clearly, there can only be one explanation: aliens are living among us. Run for your lives.” But then, to calm the crowd, off the top of my head I wrote and recited the most beautiful and heartbreaking poem ever written, convincing all attendees of my humanity, so they taught me their secret ancient language and made me one of their own. For twenty years I lived among them, taking eight wives and fathering a generation of children. They begged me to stay forever, but I knew I had a destiny to fulfill. Not for my sake, but for the world’s. To share my gifts with the world.

Here, open your hand; I have something for you. Yes, lover, they’re exactly what you think they are. Moon rocks. I got them this morning while flying around our solar system. I do that every day to make sure that ayy-thing’s in order, no comets are about to hit Earth, etc. I’m like a cosmic sentry, and the responsibilities entrusted to me are something I take very seriously. Don’t thank me; the look on your face is a sufficient reward.

Oh, and just so you know, I’d probably be the best rapper alive if I weren’t so busy fronting the metro area’s top Creed tribute band.

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