09
Dec
09

in the future, we’ll be taking all our wine in pill form

Theresa, can you quiet the kids down? I wouldn’t have called this family meeting if I knew I was going to have to talk over everyone. There, that’s better. It has been brought to my attention that there is some concern regarding the possibility of a fire in the kitchen, destroying our table, chairs, appliances, cabinetry and the dishes within, raging right now even as I’m saying this.

Well, never let it be said that as the husband, father, and divinely appointed head of this household, that I am not a man of action. I’m pleased to announce that following the conclusion of this meeting, I will be assembling a blue-ribbon panel to determine the existence of this alleged kitchen fire. For we cannot in good conscience decide on a course of action until we have a healthy, vigorous debate on this issue.

Now, I know that there are those in this household who would have us take hasty action without reviewing all the facts. We’ve all heard their side of the story: when I got home from work this evening, I used a burner on the stove to light a cigarette, and while entranced for three blissful minutes by the ecstacy of the cigarette’s sweet nicotine balm, I neglected to turn off the stove, and soon the kitchen was engulfed by flames ravenous to consume our every possession. Friends, let’s not fall for the same old partisan attacks on my character; particularly my character after I’ve knocked back a few at happy hour.

Even if a fire were burning through our house- not that I’m conceding the point- it could be the best thing ever to happen to this family. For example, ice cream headaches will be a thing of the past, with all the ice cream melted. Tyler, you’d be off the hook with regards to the discussion we had last week about cleaning out the attic. And Tiffany, this could be your ticket to the new wardrobe you’ve been pining for! Depending on what’s in the donations box at the church we’ll be living in, you could soon be the living embodiment of the term “shabby chic”!

The dog and cat have already made their decisions, having unthinkingly fled into the cold night without even first verifying any actual danger. As humans, it is incumbent upon us to employ our logic and reason. Just think: if it weren’t for our superior critical thinking skills, we’d still be fighting feral versions of Fluffy and Max for the last delicious wooly mammoth bone.

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1 Response to “in the future, we’ll be taking all our wine in pill form”


  1. December 9, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    And if the fire does it’s job completely, you won’t have to worry about ANYTHING anymore.


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