tonight we’re gonna party till question mark

All right, guys. I know this is an important match. The results will determine who enters international competition, but the fact is that we’re in rough shape, and it doesn’t help that Coach Green got thrown out for arguing with the officials, leaving me in charge. For those of you meeting me for the first time, I’m Brad’s dad, and my first move as interim coach will be to establish a policy of complete honesty. Teams work best when there is well-established culture of transparency, and I feel like the best way I can serve you fellas is to come right out and tell you that I don’t know much of anything about this sport.

Now, now: before we start moaning and grumbling, let me lay out what I do know about this sport, and you all are in a position to confirm or correct the tidbits I’ve picked up from watching in the stands these last few weekends since I was awarded visitation rights in Brad’s mom’s and my ongoing divorce proceedings. Here’s what I do know: there’s a leprechaun, and a bunch of snakes, and at some point you have to jump over hot lava. In the lightning round, you have to build a working robot out of old Model T parts. At the beginning of each quarter, a captain is chosen to represent the team, and the captain has to correctly recite as many digits of Pi as possible before being submerged in pancake batter and cooked. The remaining team members free their captain by eating his delicious pancake cocoon, and together they tame a fire-breathing dragon, and ride him like a bobsled to the bottom of Candy Mountain. First team to correctly identify the counterfeit Mark Rothko painting gets awarded 3 bonus points. Yeah, I know I’m fuzzy on a few of the details, but if you can all close your eyes and trust your training, we can accomplish anything!

Remember, guys: the Chinese character for “challenge” is very similar to the one for “opportunity”. Unfortunately, as my tattoo artist found out too late, the character for “courageous warrior” is very similar to the one for “milkman disaster cactus”. Look, you’re all winners for trying. Get out there, play hard, and try not to remember anything I’ve said here today.

h/t stacey and louis