that old-timey disease humor

“Okay, guys, as much as I’d like to close the office and send everyone home early for Christmas, we’ve got one more thing that’s got to be done before the holidays. Of course I’m talking about Templeton Mayonnaise. I know we’ve been banging our heads against the wall for months on this thing, but I can’t hold these guys off any longer. They’ve got to have a new company slogan by the end of the business day or we may lose the account. Let’s brainstorm.”

“Jesus, Sid, that stuff tastes like it was made from reptile eggs.”

“I know; it’s just awful. I’ll get the ball rolling. ‘Templeton Mayonnaise: If you don’t like it at first, it’s because you must not have a refined pallette.'”

“How about ‘Templeton Mayonnaise: the mayonnaise you feed to your enemies’.”

“Or,’Tired of waiting five hours to give your mayonnaise that ‘Left-in-the-Sun’ taste? Save time with Templeton!”

“I like that! Find the silver lining in the product. ‘Templeton Mayonnaise Tips: Throw away the mayonnaise and keep the empty jar by your bed for when you don’t feel like getting up to go to the bathroom!'”

“‘Templeton Mayonnaise: Give your stomach a taste of Old Mexico, specifically the tap water.'”

“Say, Jenkins. That gives me a great idea. What say we get out of here, empty our bank accounts, and start a new life south of the border? We’ll live like kings of a land where wine, women, and song is the only law!”

“You got a deal. I’ll go put all the liquor in my desk drawers into a suitcase and meet you in the parking garage.”


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December 2009
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