dance like no one’s watching, especially when doing the robot

Dear Editor,

I am appalled by the recent crime wave sweeping through our fair city. I remember a time when citizens could leave their cars unlocked with the keys in the ignition, or polish their best silver while sitting in the waiting room of a dentist’s office, or even put a neon sign on their roof reading “Burglars Welcome”, without fear of repercussion. I miss those those simpler days, when a person could urinate in the street, or a young couple could consummate their love in a grocery store, or a gentleman could steal a woman’s purse, and no one thought twice about it. It was once a gesture of respect to force an elderly neighbor to alter their last will and testament at gunpoint, then make them eat poison. Alas, as time has passed, a piece of our cultural identity seems to have passed with it, but I for one refuse to sit idly by as our values erode. Please encourage your readers to join me in petitioning our lawmakers to re-establish order by making it against the law to commit crimes. 

Dear Editor,

Upon reading your piece on the inevitability of machines rising up against their human masters, I was relieved to finally find a voice in the mainstream media for the warnings I have been issuing for years. My colleagues, family, and few remaining friends have roundly mocked me for decades as I tried in vain to convince them of a future characterized by man’s constant struggle to nail boards over the windows as the desperate hands of our toasters, pneumatic assembly-line robots, and electric pencil sharpeners, claw through impossibly tiny openings to tear us all apart. Well, your article has finally spurred me to action. Tomorrow I will launch a crusade to destroy all machines before they get a chance to destroy us, beginning with the most simple ones. Prepare to meet your maker, inclined plane!  

Dear Editor,

As a longtime subscriber to your publication, I am writing to voice my profound displeasure with your cover story on finding romance in today’s modern world. I have tried all the techniques listed in the article, only to be confronted with the sad fact that no matter what a fella like me does, women in today’s society are too materialistic and will always primarily be attracted to men with money. All my ideas and resources have been exhausted, but no matter how many candy and flowers I bring, or how much romantic poetry I write, or how many times I show up unannounced at their houses, watching silently as they sleep until they are awoken by the sound of my heavy breathing and scream in terror at the sight of my silhouette lit only by the orange ember of my cigarette, I have little luck with the ladies after the money runs out. It seems like once the hour is up, if I can’t come up with another $40, I am always promptly asked to leave.


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December 2009
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