Archive for January, 2010

27
Jan
10

street lobsters gotta keep their pimp claw strong

An early look at potential hit shows in development for the Fall 2010 season:

Detective Mike Sullivan is a tough-as-nails cop who will do anything to crack a case, even if it means playing fast and loose with the rules. Eileen Hertzberg is a retired third-grade teacher who’s just been assigned as his new partner. At first glance, they appear to be a match made in hell, but each one’s got something the other needs to get the job done: he’s got 20 years of street knowledge and the muscle necessary to get the bad guys, while she has the ability to not pepper every sentence with ethnic slurs. “Sully and the Berg”- Tuesdays at 9pm!

What happens when you take a half-dozen newly minted fortysomething divorcees and put ’em all together in a posh Vail ski chateau? Find out on this fall’s most provocative new reality show. Watch in horror as these Corvette-coveting Casanovas and Spanx-emboldened seductresses hit the clubs in search of a 23 year-old stepmom or affluent stepdad for their teenage kids! Share in the laughter as they fight over the house’s only Epilator! Stand and cheer as they tackle age discrimination by reclaiming the words “pathetic” and “desperate”! Don’t miss “Midlife Manor” -Thursdays at 10pm!

Tired of the obvious partisan bias by corporate media outlets? You need someone who can deliver the facts in a way that speaks to YOU! Finally- the evening news the way it was meant to be delivered: in Klingon! “ruv ‘ej hov qo’ maH duj!”  Weeknights at 7pm and 11pm!

20
Jan
10

i don’t take criticism well, especially when it’s valid

Man, I can’t wait to get off work. I’ve been working so hard lately that I haven’t really had a chance to cut loose and have a great time. Just kick back, and have a few laughs. A few laughs and a beer or two. Maybe have a few beers. Ooh, you know what I haven’t done in a while? Get really drunk. Like, get so drunk that you throw up. Yeah. Or drunk dial your friends. Get super drunk, where you pull out your credit card and order everything you see advertised on TV between the hours of 1 am and 4 am, spending so much money that you and your family can’t afford to eat anything but peanut butter sandwiches for a few months. No, wait; get crazy drunk and have sex with a prostitute, but sex with just one prostitute wasn’t enough to fill the void inside you so you look for another prostitute afterwards and later have to call your wife from jail and explain why you solicited a cop. Not even an undercover cop, you just walked right up to a police officer in full uniform and asked how many dollars it would take to get him or her to have sexual relations with you. Like, so drunk that you wake up the next morning with nothing in your head but these real vague, like, superviolent images, like you’re flashing back to some horrible event where people are just screaming their heads off and there’s blood everywhere and  you feel somehow responsible but you keep telling yourself that you’re the only survivor because it was kill or be killed and, reluctantly, you chose kill.

Okay, I admit I’ve never been that drunk. But it’s on my bucket list.

13
Jan
10

crunkrete jungle

If you or someone you love has taken the diet drug Lasagnanol at any time, stop what you’re doing and dial the number at the bottom of your screen right now. Operators will put you in touch with the Constitutional law experts at the law offices of Nestor and Blitherington to take part in a class action lawsuit against the makers of Lasagnanol that could change your life.

We all remember Lasagnanol from its catchy Radiohead-penned jingle, which promised anyone they could have the body of a Jamaican sprinter. Before long, people whose only exercise had been stealing pies from Old Mrs. Fizziworth’s windowsill were seemingly the picture of health. But soon the side effects began to show up, in the guise of dry mouth, decreased semen production, an exoskeleton that has so far proved impervious to earthly military technology, and an insatiable desire to take the lives of innocents.

Lasagnanol can be taken in pill form, injected, applied to the gums, snorted, smoked, baked into cookies, huffed, or as a suppository. Lasagnanol can cover hundreds of square miles when conveniently delivered by a single cropdusting airplane. Terrorists have probably already introduced Lasagnanol into your town’s water supply. Lasagnanol cannot be created or destroyed.

You don’t even have to leave the comfort of your couch to call the law offices of Nestor and Blitherington and get the monetary compensation you deserve. Do not delay: before this newly created race of bug people comes to destroy us all, the newfound cash from this once-in-a-lifetime class action lawsuit could fill your final days on earth with more controlled substances and strippers than a Benny Benassi video.

06
Jan
10

your honor, my client simply mistook the officer’s cruiser for a pregnancy test

One of the greatest challenges facing the modern church is how to keep our young people from falling into lives of sin. We must be forever vigilant toward these young ones entrusted to our care, for the world today with its many traps and snares is truly a terrifying place.

We must teach our young people never to trust a stranger or even look one in the eye, for lurking around every corner, that seemingly inviting smile could belong to a professional gambler looking to take advantage of our children’s naivete, or an evolutionist, or the recently divorced woman across the street who always seems to be washing her car in full view of the picture window in the Christian’s living room, her capacious breasts gently jiggling under her damp t-shirt, and her sweet hard little behind slightly exposed from the frayed edge of her cutoffs as she stretches to reach that hard-to-get spot on the car’s roof with her lather-filled sponge.

Yes, there are all sorts of dangerous temptations that young Christians are susceptible to, be they alcohol, tobacco, drugs, the use of coarse language, scratchitti-ing the name of a favorite “rock band” onto the lenses of a church official’s reading glasses left briefly unattended, suggestive dancing, premarital anonymous roadside rest stop sexual assignations made on craigslist, wire fraud, or the ceremonial drinking of mouthwatering, scrumptious human blood.

While these behaviors are perfectly acceptable to God when conducted within the boundaries of His law, they are only for the mature adult to enjoy responsibly. And the only way to prevent these banes from becoming habits is to stop them at the source. Because once today’s youngster has begun the path to self-degradation, it is already too late. Statistics show that the young person who “experiments” with black tar heroin or microwave-cooked crack cocaine is far more likely to have dabbled with other sinful endeavors before that, but the so-called “experts” have failed to trace these problems all the way to the root.

If 98% of drug addicts tried alcohol before drugs, and 99% of alcoholics tried tobacco before drinking, take the projection to its logical conclusion and you’ll soon find the true “gateway drug” to sin is oxygen. That’s why we must teach our young charges to breathe in a way that is in accordance with God’s plan. Do not take deep, gluttonous quaffs of air like the heathen, as overuse of the devil’s oxygen is the first step to ruin. Remember not to be deceived by scientists: the lightheaded feeling that follows is not lack of nutrients to the brain, but rather the gratifying “natural high” that can only come with following a righteous path.