06
Jan
10

your honor, my client simply mistook the officer’s cruiser for a pregnancy test

One of the greatest challenges facing the modern church is how to keep our young people from falling into lives of sin. We must be forever vigilant toward these young ones entrusted to our care, for the world today with its many traps and snares is truly a terrifying place.

We must teach our young people never to trust a stranger or even look one in the eye, for lurking around every corner, that seemingly inviting smile could belong to a professional gambler looking to take advantage of our children’s naivete, or an evolutionist, or the recently divorced woman across the street who always seems to be washing her car in full view of the picture window in the Christian’s living room, her capacious breasts gently jiggling under her damp t-shirt, and her sweet hard little behind slightly exposed from the frayed edge of her cutoffs as she stretches to reach that hard-to-get spot on the car’s roof with her lather-filled sponge.

Yes, there are all sorts of dangerous temptations that young Christians are susceptible to, be they alcohol, tobacco, drugs, the use of coarse language, scratchitti-ing the name of a favorite “rock band” onto the lenses of a church official’s reading glasses left briefly unattended, suggestive dancing, premarital anonymous roadside rest stop sexual assignations made on craigslist, wire fraud, or the ceremonial drinking of mouthwatering, scrumptious human blood.

While these behaviors are perfectly acceptable to God when conducted within the boundaries of His law, they are only for the mature adult to enjoy responsibly. And the only way to prevent these banes from becoming habits is to stop them at the source. Because once today’s youngster has begun the path to self-degradation, it is already too late. Statistics show that the young person who “experiments” with black tar heroin or microwave-cooked crack cocaine is far more likely to have dabbled with other sinful endeavors before that, but the so-called “experts” have failed to trace these problems all the way to the root.

If 98% of drug addicts tried alcohol before drugs, and 99% of alcoholics tried tobacco before drinking, take the projection to its logical conclusion and you’ll soon find the true “gateway drug” to sin is oxygen. That’s why we must teach our young charges to breathe in a way that is in accordance with God’s plan. Do not take deep, gluttonous quaffs of air like the heathen, as overuse of the devil’s oxygen is the first step to ruin. Remember not to be deceived by scientists: the lightheaded feeling that follows is not lack of nutrients to the brain, but rather the gratifying “natural high” that can only come with following a righteous path.

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2 Responses to “your honor, my client simply mistook the officer’s cruiser for a pregnancy test”


  1. January 12, 2010 at 3:13 am

    This is eerily realistic. You’re slipping from satire into the land of Rupert Murdoch.
    (the writing is still top notch, by the way. )

  2. 2 Hey, brother!
    March 8, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    “…with his hi-fi, his ‘byob tyob,’ his instant pizza pie.”


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