13
Jan
10

crunkrete jungle

If you or someone you love has taken the diet drug Lasagnanol at any time, stop what you’re doing and dial the number at the bottom of your screen right now. Operators will put you in touch with the Constitutional law experts at the law offices of Nestor and Blitherington to take part in a class action lawsuit against the makers of Lasagnanol that could change your life.

We all remember Lasagnanol from its catchy Radiohead-penned jingle, which promised anyone they could have the body of a Jamaican sprinter. Before long, people whose only exercise had been stealing pies from Old Mrs. Fizziworth’s windowsill were seemingly the picture of health. But soon the side effects began to show up, in the guise of dry mouth, decreased semen production, an exoskeleton that has so far proved impervious to earthly military technology, and an insatiable desire to take the lives of innocents.

Lasagnanol can be taken in pill form, injected, applied to the gums, snorted, smoked, baked into cookies, huffed, or as a suppository. Lasagnanol can cover hundreds of square miles when conveniently delivered by a single cropdusting airplane. Terrorists have probably already introduced Lasagnanol into your town’s water supply. Lasagnanol cannot be created or destroyed.

You don’t even have to leave the comfort of your couch to call the law offices of Nestor and Blitherington and get the monetary compensation you deserve. Do not delay: before this newly created race of bug people comes to destroy us all, the newfound cash from this once-in-a-lifetime class action lawsuit could fill your final days on earth with more controlled substances and strippers than a Benny Benassi video.

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