24
Mar
10

my greatest feat was convincing mankind that I didn’t exist, but you gotta admit that inventing rock and roll was a pretty great second act

My troubles began when her silhouette darkened the translucent frosted glass panel of my office door that reads “Jack Jenkem, Private Investigator” in backwards letters. Actually, my troubles began the day I dropped out of medical school to become a private eye, but there was no going back now. Besides, I couldn’t have returned to medical school. Not after what I was caught doing with that ether-soaked rag in the room where they stored the table-size anatomical skeletons.

She barged into my office and hastily swept her hand across my desk to make a seat for herself, clearing off several weeks’ worth of official documents “borrowed” from city hall for a case I had been working on. Those could be replaced, or at least convincingly forged, but my patience grew thin when I noticed that my half-empty highball glass of store-brand soda and cough syrup had been among the items knocked over. I had had to turn the cough syrup bottle upside down for five minutes just to get enough to make that last nightcap. Angrily, I shouted, “Now what’s all this about, doll?”, failing to note the significance of the fact that our first step on the road of destiny we were irrevokably headed down had been a drunken stagger.

Most people would know better than to get romantically involved with a client, but then again most people have never done 3 to 5 downstate for attempted sex with a vending machine. Ours was an affair that made Last Tango in Paris look like the Great Muppet Caper as she treated me to physical delights more decadent than a Ferrari that runs on Dom Perignon, with baby white tiger skin seat covers dipped in Godiva chocolate. My big mistake was falling for her, since she was just baiting the trap for a heartless double-cross in the toughest case I ever had to crack.

And now, here I lay in a crumpled mess, with three slugs in my gut, and I don’t mean the kind that come from a bottle. I was following a lead into this old abandoned factory, the kind with steam pipes zigzagging from one imposing-looking tank to another, and she flim-flammed me. Indie rock bands are now stepping over my bloody, shivering form on their way to shoot promo photos in here, and I know this is curtains for me. Although this old gumshoe’s got a few regrets in life, I can rest easy as I go to meet my maker, knowing that when my family comes to claim my few earthly possessions, I at least had the foresight to lock away my collection of Hentai porn in my gun safe.

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1 Response to “my greatest feat was convincing mankind that I didn’t exist, but you gotta admit that inventing rock and roll was a pretty great second act”


  1. 1 Rand McNally
    March 25, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    3 to 5 downstate for attempted sex with a vending machine. Ours was an affair that made Last Tango in Paris look like the Great Muppet Caper as she treated me to physical delights more decadent than a Ferrari that runs on Dom Perignon, with baby white tiger skin seat covers dipped in Godiva chocolate.

    = Spectacular.


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