28
Apr
10

the poetry of my soul is all dirty limericks

Hello? Oh, hey! Can you hear me all right? Okay, good. You’ll never guess where I’m calling you from. Give up? I’m in the bathroom stall at my gym. I know, right? I used to think it was super impolite to call people while you were taking a huge dump too, but this fortysomething guy two stalls over is conducting a business call like it’s no big deal. I thought he would be kinda embarrassed after the toilet autoflushed, but truthfully it wasn’t even the loudest sound emitted from that stall during the conversation up to that point. Anyways, I guess society has just evolved to a place where it’s not that big an infraction to just chat somebody up in the can anymore. One less rule to remember!

So, how are things? I’m maddd stressed about this dinner party I’ve been planning. So many details! Like, do I hire the DJ from my bar mitzvah or let my roommate do Christopher Cross covers? God, that guy. I’ve walked in on him doing some weird stuff. Fathers, lock up your french bread baguettes that you just brought home from the grocery store!

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta decide what food I’m gonna serve. Right now the final choice is between pizza bagels and live monkey brains. Maybe I’ll do them both. Even if the foods don’t go together you could pass it off as fusion and the guests would feel dumb for not liking it. Plus I could finally get some use out of that set of hammers I got for graduation. Also, do you think Chex mix counts as a salad?

I think I got a pretty good mix of guests coming, so that’ll be fun. Like Lance, who lives down the hall. He’s a burglar employed by a security alarm company to break into their customers’ houses so they’ll upgrade to the platinum package. And Joan, the lady that used to cut my hair until she finally married the right guy after being widowed like five times by guys who weren’t millionaires.  Listen, I gotta go; I’m about to wipe and I don’t want to drop my phone in the toilet. Talk to you later, Grandma!

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2 Responses to “the poetry of my soul is all dirty limericks”


  1. April 29, 2010 at 9:27 am

    I think this is my favorite one yet.

  2. May 1, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    you don’t win friends with salad.


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