back in the day, ‘the itsy-bitsy spider’ was my jam

Well, readers, warm weather is upon us and it’s finally time to put away those winter coats and dust off those Spuds MacKenzie tank tops for another season of outdoor fun! At first glance, I may not seem like the most qualified person to post summer drink recipes on his blog, since my definition of a quiet evening with a bottle of white usually involves locking myself in the storm cellar so my mom can’t hear me sniffing Liquid Paper. Of course, any of the following recipes is great for my favorite summer pastime: going to that grocery store by the college with your sunglasses on to look at all the hot girls, then getting all depressed because you know you can’t have any of them, even on their worst day. Enjoy!

Sex in a Trans Am

Replace contents of 20-ounce plastic 7up bottle with tequila brand of your choice. Great for locations where public drinking is frowned upon, like hospitals or public libraries.

the Cape Canaveral

Mix one part cranberry juice to one part vodka. Stir in one half tab lysergic acid diethylamide. Drink in one gulp, cancel all appointments for next 6 hours.

Employee of the Month

At 10:00am, start looking frantically in your desk drawers for an unspecified item. Tell your co-workers you have to go get something out of the car, then walk out to the parking lot, open the trunk of your car and pull out a few beers. Get into the car and drink them hot while listening to the local classic rock station. Important: chew several pieces of Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill brand sugarless gum before returning to work.

Four and Four

Mix four oz. Vicks formula 44 brand cough syrup with four Sominex sleeping tablets. Chase with one half-bottle of Lavoris brand cinnamon mouthwash. Substitute ingredients depending on what’s in the medicine cabinet of the house you’ve broken into.


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