i should probably call you ms. jackson, because i am definitely nasty

Dear Mr. Green,

We apologize for not sending this letter sooner. As you can no doubt tell by the pithy feel-good phrase printed underneath our logo on this letterhead, we here at Surechoke Brand Autoerotic Asphyxiation Nooses International strive to have a good working relationship with the community affected by our numerous business activities. It is in that spirit that we are acknowledging the presence of the 800 square-foot, extremely brightly lit billboard we recently erected outside your bedroom window.

It has come to our attention that our billboard has flooded your domicile with near-blinding light. In fact, our covert investigations department has taken the liberty of procuring several of your recent electricity bills, showing that your power consumption has greatly declined since our billboard was put up. It hardly seems fair that you would see such a benefit of our business ventures without sharing in the cost, therefore we have attached an invoice for what our accountants estimate to be your share of the electricity required to illuminate not only our billboard, but your residence.

Furthermore, our research turned up another issue, that of the presence of several of our competitors’ products in your apartment, in plain view to anyone using simple infrared binoculars. Not only are the products in question of inferior quality, but they also significantly devalue the adjacent advertising space in which you are now a partner. Attached is a cease-and-desist order from our attorneys mandating the immediate removal of these products from your residence. It is in your interest, not only as a partner of Surechoke Brand Autoerotic Asphyxiation Nooses International, but as a person who is presumably fond of walking without the assistance of a cane, to stop undermining our hard-earned, rightful place at the apex of the global market for autoerotic asphyxiation nooses.

Your prompt attention to these matters is appreciated.


2 Responses to “i should probably call you ms. jackson, because i am definitely nasty”

  1. 1 Your Brother
    May 12, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    So THAT’S how David Carradine died. Good work on the intrepid reporting, Hermano. The liberal elite media wouldn’t allow the real story to hit the American airwaves. Mostly because Surechoke is a congolmeration of Time, NewsCorp and Viacom.

  2. 2 sports kitten
    May 13, 2010 at 4:47 pm


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