02
Jun
10

marzipandroid/marzipanther/marzipansexual

Welcome, everyone! Let me begin by thanking everyone for their considerable efforts, which made for a really smooth transition during our first weekend in our cult’s new compound. The Prophet especially wanted me to compliment you all for your great attitudes during the unfortunate incident involving malfunctioning taco salad-making equipment in our cafeteria, your deft handling of which served to demonstrate precisely why He handpicked you fine folks to be His earthly representatives during the coming tribulations ahead.

And on that note, the Prophet wanted me to address a few relevant queries in the Question Box, most of which, unsurprisingly, have to do with rooming accommodations for those of you who have hit it off and want to bunk together. Those will be adequately addressed by the Prophet in a future recorded message, so He asked that I focus on some of your other concerns today. Like this one, from J.S.: “None of us has ever seen the Prophet, so how are those of us who are so fortunate as to be selected to be in His army of body doubles supposed to know how to dress?” Well, J.S., the Prophet is very mysterious, but I can say there will be a regulation body double uniform, and without spoiling any surprises or fueling too much wild speculation, I have been authorized to disclose that some of you are gonna look absolutely stunning in your sequined eyepatches, tuxedo t-shirts, monogrammed bathrobes, and Seattle Mariners throwback uniform pants. Moving on, there is this from L.N.: “If the final battle between the Chosens and the Forgottens transpires as predicted and we end up surrounded by our enemies, can we just recreate the end of Scarface?” I like the way you think, L.N., but we all know that cocaine primary attracts white girls, and judging from the porn collections I saw around here during move-in this weekend, we’re pretty much all into Asians. Which leads me to the 30 remaining questions in the box: yes, the Prophet is gonna see about getting some girls in here, hopefully in the next week or two. But remember: it all depends on everyone’s ability to keep stitching together quality jean jackets in the South Wing of our new facility. We’ve got to have 35,000 units ready to move for the fall shipment. I know 80 hours a week is a lot to ask, but your reward in the Afterlife will be worth it!

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