09
Jun
10

hash delirium

Under FCC rules, KHNJ-FM is allowed to play artistic material that some might find indecent from the hours of 10pm till 6am. But as you listeners know, my show doesn’t fall into that category. In fact, it could be broadcast directly into an elementary school over the intercom right after the Pledge of Allegiance and the announcement that salisbury steak is on the lunch menu. Because there’s absolutely nothing indecent about the beautiful romantic love that people share between each other, and that’s what we celebrate when I’m spinning wax. No, this show broadcasts at this hour for two reasons: 1) the wee hours of the morning are when lovers are often needing a recharge between hot lovemaking sessions, and the amorous melodies I’ll be spinning tonight can replace the valuable hydration and nutrients lost during the strenuous exercise of showing someone just how much you care, and 2) if this show were any earlier, it would interfere with my day job as a stuffy, buttoned-down file clerk. We’ve got ballads from Spaceman and the Astroglides in this next set, so fellas, this is your cue to light some candles and draw a nice warm rejuvenating bubble bath for your lady. Feel free to place a couple of cucumber slices over her eyes, just don’t use up the whole cucumber, because it may come in handy later.

If I may ask you listeners’ indulgence of my chatter between songs here, I want to take a moment to appreciate the many lovely women, beautiful in all their many colors, shapes, and sizes, who are out there loving their men. If you want to make things extra-special this evening, whisper in his ear that you want to make a human peanut butter and banana sandwich. He’ll know what you’re talking about, and you can both thank me later. When you hear the dulcet strains of an Ecstasy Keach rock block at the top of the hour, try not to do too much straining yourself.

And before I play the latest hit from the Nudaisms, I want to address the concerns of one listener who called in during the last break: “Edward,” it sounds like that hooker you’re with has got a heart of gold. If I may make a prediction, you two are gonna be together forever. Oh, and one more prediction, that attorney of yours is gonna lose all his hair, put on a bunch of weight, and be living with his parents in a few years.

Now, for you few unfortunate souls enjoying this show without someone nearby to put a spoonful of hummus into that little nook made by your collarbone and dip some nice pita chips into it, here’s a tip for finding that special someone. The internet is a great resource, and dating sites are no longer the motley collection of weirdos that they used to be back in my glory days. Just remember to always use a clear, recent pic of your genitalia.

Advertisements

1 Response to “hash delirium”


  1. 1 Your Brother
    June 12, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    what is it with you and cucumbers?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: