would you mind not hitting my body with your car?

Sit down for a minute, Mom, Dad; I wanna talk to you about something. I know that I haven’t necessarily handled the recent announcement of your divorce very well, but after a lot of soul-searching, I’m finally ready to start picking up the pieces and moving forward. Like you guys said, we’re still family, and I’ve been giving quite a bit of thought to how best to partner with you in getting on to the next chapter of our lives. It is in that spirit that I want to give you guys some tips as you prepare to re-enter the dating world. Before we begin, I ask that you each please look under your seats to see that I have placed a gift for you under there. Oh, dear; judging by the bewildered look on your faces, I guess neither of you has ever seen an extra-large box of condoms before. Well, get used to them, because they’re a must in today’s modern dating cesspool, which is fraught with constant danger and traps.

The game has changed a bit since you guys were last single, so let me hip you to a few things. Dad, we’ll start with you. Forget everything you knew about sex, because you’re gonna have to really rebrand yourself to get a piece in the hypercompetitive market you’re stepping into. Sure, those Johnston & Murphy loafers might fly at work, but you need a gimmick. My advice is to post a bunch of craigslist personal ads looking for people to indulge very specific fetishes. There is literally nothing you could come up with that doesn’t have a vibrant and existing community dedicated to sexualizing it: rubber Jimmy Carter masks? Old-time sewing machines? The sky’s the limit! Just remember to keep a defibrillator in the duffle bag where you store whatever costume you choose, so you don’t die on top of some chick.

Mom, things are gonna be a bit more challenging for you, as your potential candidates for intercourse are held to a different standard of beauty. A short, obese, bald man can be considered “distinguished-looking” if he’s got money, so expect to find yourself face-to-face with the occasional wizened scrotum, that, with its long wisps of white hair hanging from it, resembles the rugged, weatherbeaten face of a bearded Civil War general. But since I’m going to be living with you save for every other weekend and selected holidays, you’re just gonna have to tough it out and bang the richest dudes at your disposal, because the decades of therapy I’ll need as the product of a broken home ain’t gonna be cheap.


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June 2010
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