everything bruises something

Johnson, this is Hedgecock. We’ve got a major emergency on our hands. You know that sporting event where we were going to have a scantily clad girl sit at a table and collect guys’ email addresses, ostensibly for a raffle, but in actuality so we could send our computer virus to them, then infiltrate their personal records so we can determine a pattern of their household comings and goings, then report our findings to our company’s top-secret residential espionage division to reduce the chances of someone being home and gumming up the works when we send our elite team of Navy SEALS-turned-cat burglars to raid their homes?  Well, the girl we had lined up can’t make it. Last minute, I know, but is there any way your sister could fill in?… I know, but her AdultFriendFinder profile says she’ll “try anything once,” and then has one of those winking emoticons you make with a semicolon… Of course your sister has an AdultFriendFinder profile; I’ve got it open and am looking at it right now here in my office… Username ValtrexValkyrie6969… Now, a couple of things, nothing major. First, we’re gonna have to have her facing to the left the whole time, to reduce potential customers’ chances of seeing that facial tattoo… She got it in prison, you say? Well, it’s quite impressive. Not just the craftsmanship, either; it really speaks to a person’s character if they have the patience to sit for a really elaborate tattoo of a topless mermaid with eagle wings and a flaming skull for a head… Of course we can arrange for someone to watch her kids… Six? Wow. She’s only 24; how did she find the time, what with the 7-year prison stint?… I guess the three that were born in the penitentiary must have been triplets… No?… All right, I’ll fax you the paperwor- oh, wait, wait, never mind. Well, I just clicked on this pic, where it looks like she’s holding a butterfly knife with her left hand, real threatening-like. The boss man is not gonna like that… I agree, left-handedness does seem like a really weird thing for him to draw a line in the sand on, but that’s just this weird idiosyncracy he’s got, probably from the war or something… What about your mom?… Yes, I realize that the bitch so fat that when she got kidnapped they had to use all four sides of the milk carton, but at this late hour, being overly selective is no longer a luxury we can afford.


1 Response to “everything bruises something”

  1. 1 Your Brother
    August 3, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    mom jokes=hilarious.

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