18
Aug
10

whatever happened to those pics eddie murphy took of the crowd in delirious?

Listen, I really appreciate you taking the time to find the least unflattering light here in the studio. I realize that it’s an unfortunate combination to have both a complexion so pale as to be considered translucent and the kind of stringy, oily hair that is a Class III fire hazard, so the significant effort you’re putting forth is not going unnoticed. Heck, I didn’t realize that video dating services even still existed, much less offered this level quality of service, or I’d have been in here long ago. Well, it still would have taken me a while to work up the courage to come in and do this. See, every time I experience even moderate amounts of stress, I get this uncontrollable rash all over my crotch that I can’t seem to stop scratching. Fortunately, I had a few cocktails in the parking lot to steel my nerves, but we’d better get this show on the road, as I usually black out and suffer a spell of frenzied vomiting about 30 minutes after my eighth beer. So, I guess we’ll commence taping once that red light on the camera shuts off, huh? Oh. Here goes, then!

Hi there, ladies; my name is Clarence, and I’m finally ready to re-enter the dating world after a very tumultuous 8-year relationship with my high school sweetheart. I didn’t initially know what attracted her to me, but upon reflection I suspect she enjoyed the fact that the gaping chasm separating our respective grades of attractiveness enabled her to treat me poorly without much fear of recourse.  I would have gladly spent a night in a coffin full of creepy old baby doll parts just for the privilege of buying a raffle ticket in which the grand prize was one of her used Kleenex, so it didn’t seem all that unreasonable when she insisted on putting a towel over the seat every time I got into her car, even after I had just showered.

It wasn’t easy to get over her, and I admit I went through a pretty difficult period after realizing she wasn’t coming home. I spent  several weeks trying to master the dark arts, attempting to conjure a spell that would send the moon crashing into the earth to destroy us all, and my failure to accomplish even that meager task only worsened my depression. Thankfully, I found redemption by switching careers, taking newfound joy in my job as a camera operator, making bootleg copies of movies by sneaking a video camera into the theater. Every day brings a new challenge in discovering where the bulge in my pants made by the camera would be least likely to provoke suspicion among the ushers and ticket takers.

Though I’ve been through a lot, I feel like my experience made me a better potential mate, as I now realize the importance of affording your lover at least a baseline level of dignity, so they can grow as a person. It is in that spirit that I pledge to always wear my “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt with the arrow facing away from you.

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2 Responses to “whatever happened to those pics eddie murphy took of the crowd in delirious?”


  1. 1 Dick sucker
    December 3, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    What the hell is this crap. NOT you said it is. FUCKING DUMBASS go to a dating site fag

    • July 29, 2013 at 8:18 pm

      Clearly this is a troll by someone with what we call a “sense of humour”, clearly something that you do not have Mr “Dick sucker”. I suggest you first look up the definition of “troll” on wikipedia or something (and not the toll-bridge kind), then work on your funny bone. It’s really quite essential if you don’t want to die at a young age from stress because you take everything so damn seriously. Peace!


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