it’s only a crime if you get caught, or commit a legal infraction of some kind

All right, listen up, you worms. We’re only two hours into this three-week session, and already I’m hearing a bunch of complaints from several unnamed whiners who think they’re not supposed to be here. Well, it’s time for a reality check, sweethearts. Your parents sent you to Bully Camp for a reason: your milk money’s gone long before the bus arrives each morning, you hide behind your mom in public in constant fear of a chance encounter with your classmates, and you’re coming home with the waistband of your underwear wrapped around your glasses. Sound familiar? Well, I’ve got you marshmallows for the next twenty-one days, and in that time I’m going to equip you with the tools required to deal with the bullies that have been making your life a living hell every year from September to May.

In this intensive session, we’ll explore important self-defense techniques, such as running away, groin-kicking, and deflecting bully attention from yourself to other nearby nerds. Our experts will help you select next year’s school wardrobe with muted tones that will help you blend in to your surroundings. They’ll also update you on the latest in space age fabrics that repel any ketchup and mustard stains incurred in the cafeteria, in case history repeats itself and the entire football team decorates you like a Christmas tree again. Advanced students will receive instruction in how best to publicly humiliate their tormentors with cutting remarks pointing out that their aggressive behavior is a common way to avoid dealing with the emotional trauma engendered by the bully’s divorcing parents, while deftly sidestepping the role that low self-esteem associated with their own parents’ dissolving union has played in their vulnerability to bullies.

Look at the person to your left and right, cream puffs. I’ll be honest: not everyone is gonna make it. But the sad fact is that we can give you what it takes to survive if you dedicate yourself to the programs offered here. And trust me, you bunch of nancies are gonna need all the help you can get. Because right across the river at Camp Shady Pine they’re doing a monthlong workshop giving bullies valuable pointers on how to more efficiently kick nerd ass.


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September 2010
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