i’ll smile when i’m dead

Let me tell you a story about a guy I used to know. He always played by the rules. He was precisely as nasty as he wanted to be; no more, no less. He was always careful to make sure he truly didn’t care before he would throw his hands into the air and wave them. When he exercised, side bends and sit-ups were carefully monitored so as not to lose that butt. My point is, this guy had a lot going for him, but for one notable exception: he didn’t have a hot tub in his car. Though it seems unlikely that such a deficiency would have so many adverse effects for a guy whose firm grip on life could be illustrated by his signature fragrance of Drakkar Noir combined with a dab of Seagram’s 7 behind each ear, he soon found himself in situations both social and professional in which the lack of an available hot tub left him looking woefully unprepared.

I don’t need to tell you that the guy was me, which is why I’m up here giving this sales seminar, and you are in the audience, wondering why you’ve been celibate so long that your most realistic sex dreams now involve a drilled-out canteloupe as the object of your affection. But hey, don’t repeat my mistakes; learn from them. I stand before you today as the picture of success, as evidenced by this midrange-priced wireless microphone, and the fact that this seminar is taking place at a hotel chain no longer known for its mentions in local police scanners, but for its continental breakfast, the better features of which will have been picked through by the time you get to it. You can share in that success, friends. You may have missed out on that croissant, but a hot tub in your car is the french toast of today’s savvy professional, and with it comes wealth as the syrup and status as the powdered sugar.

Now, I don’t want you to think that things are gonna happen for you overnight once you get a hot tub in your car. Respect the process, however, and it will pay dividends. A hot tub in your car won’t get you to that crucial situation where you need a hot tub but don’t have the time to go looking for one. But once that scenario does unfold, word’s gonna spread that you handled it like an ace. You may not think people talk about these things, but they do, whether it’s ladies under the dryers in a hair salon, high-ranking corporate executives discussing who to offer the next promotion to, or the membership review board of the country club. Don’t you think it’s time your mom finally stopped murmuring something about a barren womb every time one of her bridge club peers mentions their progeny’s passing the bar exam? And just think: once this bounty of material blessings rains down upon you, you’ll already have a place to celebrate.


2 Responses to “i’ll smile when i’m dead”

  1. 1 weston
    October 21, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    i think the halloween tractor needs a hot tub in it.

  2. 2 KyleZbb
    February 20, 2013 at 8:56 am

    What the fuck, I love the internet, and I need a hot tub in my car.

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