hoodie you repeat that?

Do you like cinnamon toast, but hate the long hours of prep and cleanup work? So many marriages in this country have been crushed under the weight of the myriad obligations to our national addiction to cinnamon toast that it almost seems like the sweet taste of cinnamon toast might not even be worth it anymore, but there’s finally a solution! Come see the medical professionals at Southeast BodyCare Associates and get a free consultation to see if laser eyes are right for you! Just think, by this time tomorrow, you could be enjoying all the many benefits of having eyes that shoot lasers out of them. Aside from the forementioned quick and easy cinnamon toast, there’s also such copy points as: revenge on your enemies, easy escape from elaborate death traps set by supervillains, and the ability to literally undress prospective sex partners with your eyes!

I’m Dr. Manfred Sausalito, and I’ve been inventing shit like this for decades. After the humiliating failure of my marijuana-scented car air freshener, which, had it been popular enough, would have made it impossible for police to know whether or not to search your vehicle since every car on the road would smell like weed, I holed up for three years in my laboratory to perfect the technology that made laser eyes possible. Initially, I designed a weapon that used powerful concentrated microwaves to not only kill, but simultaneously cook wild game in the field. Unfortunately, the enormous distance required to safely operate the weapon made it impossible to use accurately, so I spent another three years adapting the design to be implanted into human eyes. My dedication to my work left me with little time for personal hygiene, so don’t let my super long beard, tattered clothes and body odor so strong it can be seen with an infrared camera give you the impression that I am just some crazy vagrant that wants to harvest your eyes with an exacto knife for sale on the lucrative black market for corneas.


1 Response to “hoodie you repeat that?”

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November 2010
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