cuttin blow wit cake mix

I dunno, I guess I always thought I’d kill myself for a better reason than the shame of spilling ranch dressing on my keyboard at work, but here I am in the Afterlife watching from above as my girlfriend bangs yet another pizza delivery guy. Fact is, I had been contemplating suicide for years, but just couldn’t quite work up the nerve necessary to go through with any but the most passive plans to end my life, like driving around with no seatbelt while smoking cloves and eating bacon and egg croissandwiches. A while back, I began an illicit affair with my neighbor Gladys in hopes that her biker boyfriend would someday catch us and murder me, but it turns out he had been listening to us in the next room the whole time. It’s just as well that Steve the Cobra’s cuckolding fetish thwarted my plans, though, as my weekly trysts with Gladys had briefly given me a reason to live.

It didn’t last, obviously, since here I am welcoming you to the Afterlife (they get super pissed when you call it Heaven, by the way). It can be a little overwhelming at first, but once you get acclimated, you’ll really like it here. If you’re like I was, you’re probably stressing out about Judgment Day, but trust me, it’s no big deal, at least mine wasn’t. They put me through a battery of aptitude tests and determined that my only talent was the ability to flawlessly mimic the handwriting of Liberace. On earth, I wrung considerable spoils out of that skill, including fame, women and riches, but in the Afterlife, it only got me a clerical job that I don’t appear likely to be promoted out of anytime soon. Turns out, I’m the best collator in our division, so they can’t afford to lose me to middle management.

I’ve only been here five years, so I’m still learning the ropes. The good news is that the new-guy hazing is finally starting to abate. What with the tens of thousands of new people arriving every day, I would have thought that they would have quickly moved on to razzing someone else, but no. I’m not sure how much of it has to do with people having a totally different scale of time once they have eternity to fill, versus just being acquainted with people who really like turning off the hot water while you’re showering.


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November 2010
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