24
Nov
10

it’s noon somewhere

Hi team,

I sincerely hope that this quarterly interoffice memo will be better received than my last one, which nearly caused rioting despite its breast cancer awareness theme. Perhaps distributing pink papers to everyone in the office was not the best idea, but my heart was in the right place. I’m pleased to announce that our custodial staff is very close to cleaning the last traces of the six-inch-tall letters saying “Fuck Old Man Johnson And His Gross Old Jowls” from the reception area, and that we are officially closing the investigation to find who wrote the message. That being said, I’d like to clear the air about a few things. For starters, I don’t care for being referred to as “Old Man Johnson”, as it carries a false connotation that I am some ivory-tower executive that is not in touch with the needs of my employees. And while it may be true that I routinely test my staff members’ loyalty by throwing litter on the ground, then giving them cash to pick it up, in increasing increments of brashness until eventually I am just callously tossing them a c-note to permit me to use the bathroom on them, I want you all to know that at MantiCorp, our greatest asset is our people. To show my appreciation for your efforts, there will be P’Zones in the break room from 11am to 11:15 am on casual Friday. Please make good use of your time, however, because at 11:16 the P’Zones will be fed to the endangered Kimodo Island Monitor Lizards I keep as pets. Well, I’m glad I got all that off my chest. Time for my afternoon nap, where I will sleep on a mattress made of condor feathers and never have to choose between Nancy Grace and Paula Deen, because in my dreams I can have them both.

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