papa does take some mess, but not more than can be reasonably expected

Hi, I’m LaBarbara Van Derven-Watanabe, and you may remember me as the 2023 Academy Award winner for Best Jugs in a Dramatic Role. Although my image is currently represented in your domicile as a flickering blue hologram with a badly askew aspect ratio, I can assure you that I’m just as beautiful as you remember me. I’m here to talk to you about something very important: our national security and your role therein.

As has been widely reported, the roving band of robotic wolves that have been terrorizing the west coast remains at large. No one knows who built them or why, but a national sundown curfew shall remain in effect until they are captured or destroyed. These metallic hellhounds have remorselessly killed three people over the last nine years, so it is critical to everyone’s safety that we achieve full participation in the newly established security guidelines without complaint, as we are closer than ever to eradicating the robotic wolf menace from civilization for good. While it may be true that our continued reliance on deregulated household cleaning solvents alone has caused approximately 60,000 more deaths than robotic wolves over the same time span, and that the killings perpetrated by these ruthless murderers all occurred within a two-mile radius, and that it has never been conclusively determined that robotic wolves are even to blame for these deaths as opposed to being a thing the overworked local authorities just made up to explain away some unsolved unfortunate incidents, these ferocious beasts represent an existential threat to society.

Our experts who are paid good money to sit in think tanks and imagine worst-case scenarios theorize that by now the wolves’ creator(s?) may well have mastered the technology to construct humanoid robots with the ability to infiltrate our nation’s most cherished institutions and take them down from the inside. While this is merely speculation, until these rumors are thoroughly debunked we have no choice but to treat them as indisputable fact. So exercise extreme caution in dealing with your friends, family, and neighbors, as any of them could be insidiously gathering information on you for the coming attack. Remember to monitor and report any suspicious behavior, such as verbal criticism of the new security measures to be unveiled next week.

We will do everything possible to uphold our oath to keep the public safe until the people responsible for these crimes are brought to justice. This includes enlisting the services of college alumni associations to track down all persons of interest, no matter how frequently they may change their addresses. In the meantime, we advice you not to trust the biased media for information on further developments in this story. Instead, get your facts straight from the source: approved daily reports from the newly formed Security Commission. It is vital that we begin building our security infrastructure for next year, when we will mobilize to liberate Canada and her vast reserves of fresh potable water from their tyrannical overlords, who have been blocking our access to the vital North Pole trade route that was opened up by the melting ice caps.

We must be forever vigilant to protect our precious freedom to speak, assemble, and worship as we please while inside the resonance imagers that can detect abnormal amounts of electrical impulse activity in the parts of the brain that regulate dissent from sociological norms. Remember, these are complex and challenging times, and the best way to simplify them is to follow our instructions to the letter.


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December 2010
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