fun fact: you have a 1 in 365 chance of dying on your birthday

Waiter, There’s a Fly In My Soup

by Axl Rose

Uh, hello there. I’m glad I was able to flag you down. I told the other guests at my table that I needed to wash my hands, and came straight back to the kitchen to find you. Well, I didn’t want to attract attention to the common house fly floating in my otherwise delicious-looking, rich, creamy crab bisque and thus risk embarrassing you, for up to this point you had provided impeccable service. We truly feel more at home with every time we come here, thanks to this restaurant’s warm hospitality.

You look stunned, friend; I guess I’m not what you expected, am I? You wouldn’t believe how many times a week I pleasantly surprise an intern who delivers a different kind of $3000 truffles to my dressing room than the kind of $3000 truffles that are specified in my tour rider,or a flight attendant on a Gulfstream VI that just spilled scalding hot herbal tea in my lap, or assistant stylist who accidentally infects me with hepatitis. You see, the tantrums, appearances which I canceled 15 minutes before they were scheduled to begin, and general awful behavior are merely to help boost the sales of the musical recordings of a character I play, “Axl Rose”, who I can assure you, is a very different person than the Axl Rose whose name is imprinted on this ultrasecret Diner’s Club Obsidian credit card. Trust me, I haven’t forgotten what it was like to struggle in this world, brother. I still feel a real kinship with the honest working folks who toil invisibly to keep America running.

Listen, I’m not sure when you finish up you shift here, but why don’t you drop by this address later tonight, and join us all in a celebrity-studded coke-fueled orgy? You never know when Kid Rock or Jose Canseco might stop by- who knows, maybe I’ll let you have sex with my 21 year-old Brazilian girlfriend! She used to work in a sex toy store! Yes, I know what you’re about to ask, and the answer is yes. Just tell me when to start. Now? Okay, Here goes: hi, this is Dave’s phone. You know what to do! Leave a message and he’ll call you back. Shanananananananananananakneeeskneees.


1 Response to “fun fact: you have a 1 in 365 chance of dying on your birthday”

  1. 1 sweet rachel
    February 9, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    does your nickname happen to be funny s. jokeman?

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February 2011
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