how the breast was fun: an erotic journey

Brandon approached slowly. He had no way of knowing how the news he had to deliver would be received, in much the same way that when a band goes in a new, more experimental direction, the bass player, for instance, is probably really nervous right before their album is released or leaked. He took a deep breath and tried to find some courageous words, but none seemed to come. Then he approached Randi and started to talk to her for a while, about just normal stuff at first, but then he thought that enough time had passed to where he could probably try to carefully transition to the thing he really wanted to talk about.

“Randi, I need to tell you that I am looking for a new job.”

Randi, upon hearing this, was really sad and did not know what to do. She started to say something, but Brandon pressed his finger up to her face and was like, “Shhhhhh.” His finger that smelled like the sandwich stuff in the sandwich shop where they both worked, which is where they were talking because they were at work. She began to cry because her feminine heart was fundamentally different from a man’s heart in the way that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and so she had a hard time controlling her opinions. If only she could be quiet for five fucking seconds she could hear the reason Brandon was looking for a new job.

“The reason I am looking for a new job is not because I don’t enjoy working with you. It’s because Al’s Classic Sub Shop has a policy discouraging romantic conduct between managers and register personnel. That’s right, I am hoping to date you.”

Randi was very excited about that, because the whole time they had been working together, she had been falling in love with him, and all the hours she had spent telling him all about the many guys she was dating had only served to make her fall further in love with Brandon, who was right there all along when she needed him, even helping her move and also helping her set up a scavenger hunt for Randi and that dickhole Marc’s six-month anniversary. Planning the scavenger hunt had been a lot of work, with little notes at all the places they had been on dates recounting the details of all those dates, but finally Randi appreciated that what she had been looking for had been under her nose this whole time.

Randi said to Brandon, “There is this one little thing we need to do before you leave here.” Then she took Brandon by the hand and led him into the walk-in cooler where they kept all the vegetables to put on the sandwiches. “Wow, it sure is cold in here, Brandon. Why don’t you come and warm me up?” With the fervor of a zealot, he ripped off her underwear, which resembled an eyepatch adorned with lace and sequins. The minutes they had together were scarce, so they devoured those minutes like locusts that eat all the crops and then the farmer has to declare bankruptcy and his wife loses all respect for him.

Three hours later, their lovemaking was super intense, like two suns colliding into one another, and a black hole formed around their grossly engorged privates which swallowed all the vegetables in the walk-in cooler, and all the customers in the sandwich shop who had been listening to Brandon and Randi getting busy, and then the whole town, and then the planet, and then other planets. The black hole became known to extraterrestrial travelers as the “Star System Devourer” and was so feared that no craft would dare use it as a wormhole, despite the growing legend that the wormhole would have finally made possible the yearned-for direct trade route between Xarxyyx and Tamiflu-44.


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March 2011
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