actiz and actrissiz

These are the times when we as a family have to come together and make the best of a bad… no, make that challenging, situation. So let’s look at the bright side here: we’ve all come to a better understanding of one another today. Hey, gang, that’s something we should be celebrating, and definitely not super creeped out by. As far as I’m concerned, we should just enjoy the rest of this online gaming convention as a family, despite the fact that we all lied to each other about even knowing what online gaming was, even as we were in separate rooms for hours a day, engaging in bloody intrafamily conflict totally unbeknownst to each other. Though we relied on elaborately constructed alibis to obscure the fact that we were coming here, the fact of the matter is that we are here, and should just embrace that.

Jayden, I know this is a tough time in your life, son, and that I haven’t been offering you the emotional support to get you through ninth grade. I can’t help thinking that your eerily acute identification with a fantasy world that will never, ever get you laid or employed for that matter is somehow a manifestation of your adolescent frustration with the fact that nothing you ever do is good enough to earn my praise. But my eyes are open to that now, and I’m taking steps to rectify it starting today. You may be having trouble in Earth Science class, champ, but this warlock costume is really top-notch. I’m equally impressed by the fact that you were able to assemble it in our home while covertly using your mom’s sewing machine without any of us noticing.

On the other hand, Emily, this is hard for me to say as your father, but I’m afraid I am very disappointed by your actions and your choices. Now that you’re seventeen years old, we were expecting to be able to trust you with the responsibility of an unsupervised weekend at home. I just… I shudder to think what could have happened to you while hitchhiking across the country to get to this convention. We’re gonna need to have a serious discussion about this reckless behavior when we get home, and I expect to be reimbursed in full for the money we left you, which I specifically said was for groceries.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge some wrongdoing on my part here. Kids, it was wrong of me to mislead you in our family budget meeting by saying we didn’t have the money to enroll you in that SAT/ACT prep course, without mentioning that the reason is because I dipped into your college funds to buy my plane ticket to San Diego. Furthermore, I’d like to apologize for telling you all at various times in the heat of gameplay to “fuk off n di3, n00bz”, while shooting you in the head with an enchanted arrow. I assure you that I would have treated you with more respect if I had known that the Stratum 6 Gremlin Nymph I had just cut in half with my mighty Wrathblade was my sweet little girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to very gently break the news to your mom that you guys accidentally saw the guy that played Lieutentant Worf on Star Trek: the Next Generation signing her breasts.


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March 2011
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