magnum, 3.14159265358979323846

Scene opens to a nude REP WHITEFORTH dancing in particularly rhythmless fashion in a Four Seasons hotel room. A voice behind the camera (MRS WHITEFORTH) encourages him.
MRS WHITEFORTH: That’s right. Shake it, dear.
REP WHITEFORTH: Haha! Well, this is great fun, but don’t turn the camera on, of course.
MRS WHITEFORTH: I’ve been recording this entire time!
REP WHITEFORTH: (stops dancing, incredulously asks)What?
MRS WHITEFORTH: Oh, I’ll stop now. Don’t make a big fuss.
REP WHITEFORTH: You know, this could get us into big trouble. (steps behind the camera, as if to embrace MRS WHITEWORTH) I’ve done a lot of good for my constituents over my last six terms, and I did it by engaging in a lot of boring, responsible behavior. (kissing sound) I stay away from the rowdy activities at Georgetown cocktail parties (kissing sound), I haven’t had a girlfriend in years(kissing sound), and I work a lot of late hours. That keeps us out of the tabloids, and able to serve as a voice in Washington for the hardworking folks of the great state of- hey, is that camera still on?
MRS WHITEWORTH: I thought I turned it off when I put it back on the tripod, but check.
REP WHITEWORTH: What does this red light mean?
MRS WHITEWORTH: Oops, it is on. Here, I’ll turn it off for you; you never have any idea how that thing works whenever we‘re filming our wonderful grandchildren during one of our many weekends spent in our beautiful home district.
REP WHITEWORTH: And make sure you delete this video, sweetheart.
MRS WHITEWORTH: Oh, let me keep it, Cecil. This is as close to something like this as I’m ever going to get.
REP WHITEWORTH: Very well. Just make sure you safeguard it.

All right. That’s what we came up with, Congressman Whiteworth. It’s the only way to get your name out of the headlines for sponsoring that guns-for-kids bill someone circulated as an early April Fools’ Day prank. You brought it to the House floor, for fuck’s sake! And though it may seem difficult, we need you to stick to the script, sir. Now, I know you’re probably not wild about the prospect of having your nude image broadcast all over the world, or telling your wife about that early-career affair you had, but this thing overall presents you in a pretty flattering light, so our image counseling wizards thought including a few missteps would humanize you. Oh, and let me talk to our video experts, but I think with a little Hollywood magic, you and Mrs. Whiteworth don’t even have to be in the same room to film it. It shouldn‘t take longer than eight hours to make the whole 38-second video, so we can have it leaked by morning. We need a decision quickly, because I’ve got TMZ on hold right now.


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