06
Apr
11

henny, weed, cash, hoes, snacks

Have a seat, son. I know I don’t bring you into my home office much, but I think you and I need to have a man-to-man talk. See, your mom was cleaning your room and stumbled across your diary, and while we would never pry into your personal business, she did accidentally glance at a few pages that have us concerned. You know, buddy, having feelings is gay enough, but expressing them? That’s the first step down a pretty bad path, pal.

Look, it’s only natural that you want to sleep with with the cheerleaders from your school, but you’re going about this in the wrong way. These are not the kind of sleepovers a young man your age should be having. I mean, taking the minutes in a spiral notebook as they talk about boys at school they like? The last thing you should be letting these girls do is confiding in you. I admit, I should have talked with you about girls  at a much younger age, but let’s start fresh, shall we? The first thing you need to know about girls is what they want: aloof, distant, emotionally withholding guys who give off just a hint that they can be “fixed” if only the right girl came along. Then once you’ve got them talking to you, you must remember never to do anything that would validate her self-esteem, because once a girl feels comfortable in her own skin and confident enough to make her own decisions, one of those decisions might be that she likes someone other than you. Finally, you must always remember to build and maintain an atmosphere of uncertainty. After all, time spent wondering why you won’t call is time spent thinking about you, am I right? Then, once you’ve reached the point where they’re afraid of losing you, they’ll fuck you just to keep you interested. As for honesty, open lines of communication, accountability, and mutual respect? These are the penis’ natural enemy, son.

Feel free to pass any of this along to that kid Doug you’re always hanging around with, by the way. Poor guy will never get laid if he keeps up with that approach. He’s way off-base if he thinks girls will relate to him or whatever if he watches America’s Next Top Model with them while helping them decorate their Homecoming mums or altering their prom dresses. It may seem like he’s created a welcoming atmosphere for girls in his bedroom by plastering all those hunky guy posters on his walls, but chicks just don’t go for guys with lisps. Hey, are you guys still thinking about rooming together at college next fall?

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1 Response to “henny, weed, cash, hoes, snacks”


  1. 1 Sarita
    April 6, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Brought to you by “Transition Man.”

    also, is there an interwebs shorthand for, “snort out loud?”


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