old people should call sleep “death practice”

Hey Randy,

It’s me, Anu. You know, the 6,000 year-old Sumerian deity? Anyways, I’m in a bit of a jam and I could really use your help here. It’s kind of a long story, and I promise I’ll catch you up on all the deets once there’s more time, but basically I’m the one true god. Yeah. Omnipotent, immortal, strangely petulant and vengeful, the whole package. Long story short, I got a little tied up dealing with some crazy shit with my ex (don’t even ask!) up here in Dilmun, home of the gods, for a few millenia and have totally gotten lax about tending to matters down there. So I’m looking for a new earthly prophet to help me re-establish my kingdom, and although I’ve got emails out to several folks on this matter, you’re my guy. If you’re not busy with anything else right now, the job is yours.

I’ve been trying to get hold of you for a while, but it’s been sooooo long since I interacted with humans and I’m super out of practice. Let me apologize in advance for any misunderstandings that may have occurred while I was trying to alert you to my presence. For example, remember when your pubes went prematurely gray? That was my lame attempt at a sign or whatever. And again, sorry about that girl in college telling everyone your junk looked like Leslie Neilsen. Oh, also: your older sister didn’t run away from home when she was 17. I turned her into a motorcycle, which, I know, terrible idea. I should have made her like a sentient motorcycle that could have told you what was up, or given you the keys to the motorcycle, or maybe put a note on the motorcycle, and it was totally unfair for me to expect you to somehow know that an ancient celestial being was trying to get back in the game and wanted to recruit you to be his terrestrial intermediary. Whatevs, that’s on me, and I’m big enough to admit it. I thought I was getting a little better at conveying my message when I had that tornado destroy your old house, leaving only some 2x4s standing in the shape of an “A” (for Anu), but honestly, I should have just done email from the very start.

Okay, so this relaunch (what my PR people are calling it) of Anu worship is gonna be a weird transition, especially the part where I, through you, have to explain to the entire planet that every practitioner of every religion since the late Bronze Age has been wasting their time and that everyone’s ancestors are currently suffering eternal torment for worshipping false gods. On a side note, I cannot believe how popular Yahweh got while I was away. I mean, the three biggest monotheistic religions on earth worship him in some form! This may seem hard to believe now, but in early primaries, he was polling at a paltry 4%, so my hat is off to him. If I had known he had such staying power, I would probably have paid closer attention and stopped the Israelite army from decimating the ranks of the Hittites and Amalakites back in the day. Truth be told, it’s a little embarrassing to have let everyone down, but that shit’s in the past now.

If it’s not too inconvenient for you, I’d like to take a human form for a couple of weeks to get a feel for earthly life, and I could use a place to stay. I can’t help much with the rent, but I’ve already got a job lined up at this beer distributor, so I can probably get us pony kegs at wholesale prices. Plus, as a god, I’m used to getting quite a bit of female attention, and you are welcome to any spillover tang I may not be able to get to when my hands are full on weekends. Anyways, think it over, I hope to hear back from you soon. I also hope this is still your current email address. If not, I think I have an old fax number for you somewhere. Peace, Randster!

Anu, god of heaven and the firmament

“Some people claim there’s a woman to blame, but I know it’s my own damn fault” -Jimmy Buffett

Sent from my Blackberry wireless


2 Responses to “old people should call sleep “death practice””

  1. 1 Weston Sythoff
    April 27, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    delightfully perverse.

  2. 2 your brother
    May 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    this might be one of my favorites

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