15
Jun
11

you got a hubcap dinosaur halo

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE- As part of a bold company-wide restructuring plan, Seized Office Furniture Auction Warehouse (NYSE: SFW, NASDAQ: SOFAW) is pleased to announce that it will be accepting applications for the newly created position of national marketing director. The hiree for this position will be charged with the exciting task of crafting the public face of not only Seized Office Furniture Auction Warehouse corporate headquarters, but also of its 16 retail outlets nationwide as they adapt to the challenges of a changing global marketplace.

Requirements include five-plus years experience in marketing at a national level, with a demonstrated ability to work collaboratively with public relations and upper-level management to develop a streamlined, consistent message, and a single black nose hair curling just outside the outer rim of one nostril, making it impossible for people to concentrate on anything you’re saying- even if it’s really important- because they can’t stop staring at it, have relevant experience in social media marketing strategies, and have had two singles reach Billboard’s Top 200 R&B charts entitled “Weed I Love You But You Burnin My Trachea” and “Even When I Fuck Slow, I Fuck Hard,” from the applicant’s 1994 debut album, “Horse Sweat.” Preferred candidates will be comfortable using Powerpoint, have a proven ability to learn and integrate viral marketing campaigns with traditional formats, ritually masturbate to pictures of house fires, and walk up to girls in bars and casually ask if they can buy them a “gin and taliae,” all the while waggling their eyebrows suggestively, hoping to lure them back to the applicant’s houseboat.

Pay is negotiable, and benefits include a 5% discount at all Seized Office Furniture Auction Warehouse stores, as well as a vision plan with an annual free voucher for transition lenses.

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2 Responses to “you got a hubcap dinosaur halo”


  1. June 15, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I’m thinking about unsubscribing to flarn flarn filth, b/c every time i read a post I fly into a jealous rage that I don’t write as well as you do. JERK!

  2. 2 Rebecca
    June 15, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    Why does it say someone named jjabc wrote that comment when it was ME? What kind of a racket are you running over here Rob?


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