detroit guac city

Dear Mama,

Life here in the big city certainly is exciting. There have been so many interesting things to tell you about that I’m almost not sure where to begin. I guess I should have written earlier, but I had hoped to surprise you by having your first news about me come from Entertainment Tonight or, as a fallback plan, Access Hollywood. The truth is, Mama, that my acting career got off to a slower start than I had hoped. When I first stepped off that bus with only a single change of clothes to my name, I did not anticipate how difficult things would be, but I knew that I would find my way if I never gave up. From the time you enrolled me in that summer Shakespeare program so many years ago, I knew I had a special gift. Otherwise our faculty sponsor wouldn’t have told all the other kids to stop making fun of me.

Things were looking pretty lean for a while there, but eventually an agent took me into his care. Soon I had up to three auditions a month, which is really impressive considering how little demand there is for romantic leads whose artistic interpretation of every character they play hinges upon total commitment to delivering all their lines in the voice of Cookie Monster. Fortunately, though, he found work for me in this other business venture he had going, one which involved going into bus stations and cleaning people’s pants. My agent told me that all the commuters were really busy, so it was of vital importance that I remove all the contents of their pockets without bothering them. He said it was just one step in a very complicated process, so I didn’t ask too many questions.

Quite a bit of time passed, but eventually things picked up, and I’m proud to announce that I have finally realized my dream and found steady work as an actor. And that’s not the only good news I have: at last I can afford a plane ticket to visit you and Papa this Christmas! Before my arrival, though, I should warn you that it has been a while since I left, and lots of things have changed. I hope you and Billy, Jan, Sally, Jimmy, Reggie, Claudia, Papa Junior, and our cow Bessie won’t poke fun of me too much for the different way I speak now, or that you won’t feel too self-conscious when I sit among you at Christmas dinner in our old booth at Pizza Hut in my fancy new city clothes. Please remember that no matter how high I may climb, I’ll never forget my roots, as you provided the foundation for all that I may achieve artistically.

Your loving son,

Colin Firth


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July 2011
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