13
Jul
11

autoherp

Okay, I tried to remember not to go to the grocery store hungry, because then you’ll buy too much stuff. And I remembered to bring my canvas bags, and I even remembered to bring my coupon for Clorets gum, the leading gum among gums that target the coveted gum demographic of old people*. The one thing I didn’t remember, however, was my shopping list, so I’m totally fucked. Oh god, I can feel my pulse quickening as the walls close in all around me. I’m covered in a cold sweat and I can only hope I can find my therapist’s number in my phone before… oh, wait a second. What is that word that keeps coming back to me… “bud”? It must be some kind of mnemonic device invented by my subconscious in case I forgot my grocery list! Well, let’s see here. “Bud” is obviously an allusion to former Nixon administration official Egil “Bud” Krogh… could “Egil” be an acronym giving clues to the items I’m supposed to pick up, or, just as President Obama has staked out policy positions to the right of Nixon on many issues despite having campaigned as a progressive, merely a reminder to go from the left side of the store (bakery) to the right (dairy and eggs), to make sure that I place the cold items into the cart last? It’ll be tough, but it looks like my only options are either to delve deep within my mind to unravel this labyrinthine mystery, or descend slowly, irretrievably into madness, so here goes nothing!

Okay, what can E stand for? Elephantiasis, effervescent, hmmm, echo! Yes, the word “echo” was supposed to make me think of the corporate media’s echo chamber, which has degraded the entire concept of news by viewing their audience as a commodity to be sold to advertisers rather than a citizenry in need of information, and pledging fealty to their parent companies in lieu of their constitutionally protected civic duty. Rather than actually analyzing the laws passed in our name, these bastards instead spoon-feed their viewers dumbed-down horserace style journalism, facilitating our cruel joke of a two-party system, symbolized by the fact that both the Republican and Democratic parties count Kraft Foods Inc. among their largest contributors. Ah yes, my first item is macaroni and cheese- it’s all coming back to me! G was supposed to stand for “greed”, as in the corrupting influence of money and materialism on our culture, how the guardians of the wealthy keep us distracted from the powerful machinery controlling us by telling us that we’ll feel better about our lives if we only consume more, keeping us all of us beholden to the whims of the market’s invisible hand… hand… Hamburger Helper! I, as I recall, was for “images,” as in the powerful manipulation of images to program impressionable minds. You see, Hollywood enables the military-industrial complex by desensitizing its viewers to violence from a young age, all the way up to adulthood, by which time their minds will have completely divorced the visceral appeal of an act of violence from its tragic real-world consequences, so they will have no qualms about witnessing crimes committed in the name of the state to maintain, however temporarily, the unsustainable power structures that keep the elite wealthy, leaving the rest of us fight for the crumbs… that’s it! Stove Top Stuffing! And L can only stand for the same thing it always stands for: “Let’s not forget to pick up a copy of Soap Opera Digest in the checkout line.” But wait; was I supposed to get the cheeseburger macaroni kind of Hamburger Helper or the lasagne? Nooooooooooooooo!

*By using the word “gum” in a sentence four times, I just won a free sub sandwich!

oh also: special thanks to notable brainstormer rebecca. yep.  

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1 Response to “autoherp”


  1. 1 Weston Sythoff
    July 13, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    good stuff, dude.


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