27
Jul
11

ale camino

Fellows of a familiar interest, I ask that you forgive the secretive nature of this letter, the reasons for which shall become self-evident upon even a brief perusal of the subject matter contained therein. Wakefulness is the eternal burden of a free people, and those with the agency to do so must gather their resolve to cast off the shackles of oppression whenever the time arises. Events have transpired to upset the affairs of men, and I must needs give a clarion voice to the whispers that have accompanied the encroaching tyranny engendered by the magistrate that rules over us. Friends, it has fallen to our generation to take on a task as difficult as it is noble, that of rising up as one against the monocracy of Kevin, so that we may return the stewardship of Murray’s Old Tyme Sub Sandwich Shoppe to its rightful place, the mustard-stained, vinyl-gloved hands of those that thanklessly toil daily to keep it solvent.

Let us now pause to consider Kevin, a man whose authority comes from neither merit nor popular mandate, but from a settlement giving him sole proprietorship of Murray’s Old Tyme Sub Sandwich Shoppe after an unfortunate incident with the deli slicer. While I cannot purport to know the true intentions that lay in Kevin’s heart at the time, I recall our collective relief when he assured us through smiling teeth that the treacherous reign of Murray would be soon supplanted with a new dawn, one in which Kevin would restore order to this place by loosening the constraints under which we had so long labored for so little pay. It is a testament, then, to the corrupting nature of power upon men, that Kevin would one day adopt a set of rules so draconian as to make us all long for the days under Murray’s menacing glare, here embodied by this memo pinned to the bulletin board, obscuring even the employee birthday calendar.

Our sovereignty cannot be usurped in this way; only we who slice the olives and slather the hummus have the authority to impose restraints on the radio, and if the station we choose occasionally runs ads for Quizno’s at a volume sufficient that the customers can hear, let that be the cost of liberty. The stakes of this struggle are high: if a man can forbid you from wearing pajama pants to work, what obstacle prevents him from telling you what t-shirt sleeve length is appropriate? And from there, what religion to practice? Or whom ye can marry? Be fairly warned: this engagement to take back Murray’s Old Tyme Sub Sandwich Shoppe shall require vigilance as well as strength of spirit and mind alike. For though we may occasionally sit in our cars before our shift begins and ingest substances that allow our minds to travel to faraway universes, this is not the time for that, my esteemed countrymen. Our cause requires that we remain moored in the present, fighting for our inalienable rights. If we fail in our efforts, it will be our children’s children who are forced to suffer under this coercion, their wages garnished to pay for even the meagre fragments of what remains in the cookie display case after closing time.

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