the sugar ants are back and this time they brought a gun

Hello, and welcome to the television soundstage cleverly designed to look like my living room. I know you’re all anxious to get back to Channel 11’s Million Dollar Matinee presentation of Benji the Hunted, so I’ll keep this paid commercial announcement brief. Look, gang, these are complicated times we’re living in, am I right? You’re unsure of whether you should take your kids to the new Smurfs movie and risk exposing them to the sexist message that while boys can aspire to any of a diverse array of characteristics, the only valid role for females is that of boner material. You no longer have a voice in Washington because all your elected representatives are in the pocket of the powerful cat food lobby, which has spent the last decade engineering an escalating series of financial crises in order to get more people to eat their product, which admittedly, is delicious. And if all that weren’t enough, you’ve begun to suspect you aren’t getting the compensation your plasma should command on the open market. And that, friends, is where I come in.

I’m Osiris Niedenfuer, from the law offices of Niedenfuer, Sukarnoputri & Associates, here to represent you in negotiations once the time inevitably comes to supplement your income by selling your blood. For evidence that I was born to practice law, please direct your attention to this gavel-shaped birthmark on my back, which when viewed from another angle could also look like a hand extending a middle finger to those heartless plasma brokers that want to pay less than every dollar you have coming for your hard-earned plasma. Ever since our nation’s ruling class of wealthy elites developed the technology to fully unlock the potential of human plasma as a youth serum that keeps their old, white skin glowing and looking taut as they absorb the vitality of the unwashed masses by literally drinking their living essence, the plasma market has become a competitive, sophisticated set of traps and snares designed to get the most plasma out of you for the least amount of money- don’t be caught trying to navigate it without a qualified attorney to help you obtain top dollar for that sweet liquid gold running through your veins. I spent six years at Julliard perfecting the homespun accent and folksy mannerisms that had sympathetic juries eating out of the palm of my hand during my halcyon days as a high-powered trial attorney, when I was winning big cash settlements on behalf of the cat food industry. Wouldn’t it be nice to have the southern gentleman with the bolo tie on your side of the negotiating table this time?

I’m so confident in my abilities that should I fail to get you the highest selling price for your nutrient-rich plasma (pending a preliminary battery of tests to make sure your plasma is of sufficient quality), our well-trained staff of crime scene specialists will, at no extra charge, help make sure your death looks like an accident, thereby securing the full benefit from your life insurance policy and making access to potable water for your children more than just a dream. So pick up the phone and make that call, before you spend another long winter warming yourself with the scant radiant heat given off by the electrical transmission lines at your municipality’s now-privately owned utility substation.


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August 2011
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