bury me in my ‘bowling grandma’ sweatshirt

Okay, Kyle, now be careful not to hit your thumb with the hammer on that last nail… Perfect! Wow, this looks great- coupla nice coats of paint and you’ll have a birdhouse that’s sure to get an A in that shop class you’ve been struggling in. For me, of course, the best part was getting to finally spend some quality time with you and seeing what a great kid you are. To be honest, I was a little nervous after your dad asked me to give you a hand with this project. Guess I was worried about the potential for awkwardness in this situation. But hey, we’re off to a great start, and hopefully someday I’d like you to think of me as a friend first, and not just the married guy that’s been secretly banging your gay dad.

You probably won’t be surprised to hear this, but your dad brags about you all the time. He’s so proud of you, and it’s great to see for myself that all those terrific things he says about you are true. And listen, I really appreciate how understanding you’ve been regarding the sensitivity of the position I’m in here as a successful but closeted businessman with a lot to lose professionally if word ever got out about me banging your dad. Plus, there’s no easy way to say this, but I know that my kid has been bullying you in school lately. When he threw you in that garbage can during 4th period lunch last week, I cannot imagine how tempting it must have been for you to tell him his dad was banging out smoking hot dudes on the down low, but thank you so much for not doing that. I’m planning to talk to him about his aggressive behavior soon, I promise, but if he gets in trouble during the season, he could miss some district games and lose his chance at a football scholarship. Although I’m sure it doesn’t provide much comfort, please know that it was so disappointing for me personally to hear him bragging about it at the dinner table all week. He could stand to learn a few things from a kid like you, you know?

Well, I’d better get home to my family now. I’ve been over here almost three hours, so I’m gonna have to come up with a really elaborate story explaining why it took so long to play nine holes of golf- time flies, huh? Well, I guess we’ll probably run into each other next time I’m trying to discreetly leave your house after a weekday afternoon spent banging your dad while my wife thinks the reason my phone is off is because I have a really important meeting. But in the meantime, if there’s anything you need, whether it’s help with another shop class homework assignment, or maybe you just want someone to rap with about what’s going on in your life, my door is open.


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August 2011
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