31
Aug
11

i thought she was calling me ‘turbo lover’, but she just meant ‘terrible lover’

The story of Howard Huge is one as old as time itself: a rise to stardom from humble beginnings, a fall from grace, and ultimately, redemption. Born to St. Bernard parents, the charcoal gray puppy named Howard was not only the runt of the litter, but also the only one born in two dimensions, making him a perfect fit for the cartoon Hoest family. Howard didn’t stay small for long, however, growing to the terrifying size of a black bear, though with the gentle heart of a lamb. Before long, tales of Howard’s exploits had become a fixture in the local papers and newscasts, so it was perhaps inevitable that Parade magazine would come calling to adapt Howard’s adventures into a weekly single-panel cartoon. The attendant fame and riches that followed provided an opportunity for the Hoests to replenish their nameless children’s college funds, which had been depleted to pay the family’s skyrocketing dog food bills, but would prove to be a double edged sword as Howard’s success soon got to his already colossal head.

Howard’s attempts to keep up with the lavish lifestyles of the professional basketball players he had befriended over the years as prep stars named to Parade’s All-America basketball team placed considerable financial strain on the Hoest household. Efforts to get Howard to live within his means by contrasting his salary side-by-side with those of heart surgeons and hedge fund managers in the How Much Do They Make? issue of Parade magazine proved futile, but soon his money woes would prove to be just the beginning of his problems. Howard’s temper around the Parade magazine office became difficult to control, culminating in a tirade against the late James Brady, calling his insistence on using personal identifiers from the New York Times stylebook in his weekly interview column, In Step With James Brady, “pretentious as fuck”, then overturning a table full of delicious pies which had been waiting to be photographed for a cover story on the Fourth of July cookout recipes, sending bits of cherry filling and wrecked lattice crust flying. It was during his suspension without pay for this incident that Howard hit rock bottom, when he was banned from the Viper Room as rumors swirled that his “accidents” in the club had been caused not by inadequate housebreaking, but a growing substance abuse problem.

After a lengthy rehab stint, Howard rejoined the Hoest family, continuing to produce the exact same quality of work readers have come to expect every week from Howard Huge. He credits the grueling 52-Sundays-a-year schedule with keeping him focused, as well as the support of his sponsor, Heathcliff, with whom he shares a bond forged by both having been derided by critics as being too derivative of a more commercially successful cartoon counterpart (Garfield in Heathcliff’s case, Marmaduke in Howard’s). Howard’s longstanding romantic relationship with Marilyn vos Savant remains a subject of speculation. Walter Scott’s Personality Parade reported in 2008 that the two were engaged to be married, but had not announced a date. Meanwhile, the couple reside happily in rural Oregon, raising their two young sons, child prodigies who made headlines by joining Buckminster Fuller as the only members of Mensa with the ability to lick their crotches.

thanks again to professional-grade brainstormer rebecca. if you’re in her geographical area, do something nice for her, would you?

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