highly motivated

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, although our organization represents a wide spectrum of varying, disparate, and often competing interests, the Brotherhood of Brewer Avenue Pimps is proud to have repeatedly demonstrated an ability to work together when the need arises, as recent events have forced us to do. The exacting organizational standards that have allowed our profession to flourish over the last forty years require us to take corrective action when one of our own acts in a way that falls short of those standards. So it is with great disappointment that after months of careful deliberation, we find ourselves in the unenviable position of having to condemn the actions of our respected colleague, Oatmeal Cookie Gladiator, for his continued harsh treatment of the hoes in his stable.

While Oatmeal Cookie Gladiator’s many laudable contributions to our craft are evident to even the most casual observer, his recent irresponsible, unethical behavior, if allowed to continue unabated, could set the pimp game back decades, erasing all the gains we’ve made and damaging the partnerships with the community we have come to value so much. We stand united on this issue with local chapters of both the Hustlas Guild and the Playas Auxiliary, and while we are not ordinarily known for partnering with these organizations, our willingness to set aside our differences and ally ourselves with such trick-ass marks serves as a bellwether of the worsening severity of the situation.

While reasonable disciplinary action in dealing with hoes is an integral function of the pimp’s role and is indeed part of the sacred responsibility to the bitches entrusted to our care, such measures must be a solemn undertaking to be treated with appropriate gravity and distributed fairly, judiciously, and only when absolutely necessary. Many of these young concubines come from troubled backgrounds and depend on us for direction, and a pimp’s guiding hand can provide the structure necessary for a healthy, productive work environment, as well as  protection from overzealous customers and a deterrent from vice. Our primary concern is their safety, and not, as some cynics would say, retaining a dwindling market share caused by Oatmeal Cookie Gladiator’s terrified hookers suddenly taking all our business in order to meet his draconian and ever-increasing weekly quotas.

His own actions have narrowed our options, but it is our hope that this non-binding resolution shall prove sufficient to disincentivize Oatmeal Cookie Gladiator from his current course of action so that he may return to our fold as a member in good standing. His leadership in the past helped us get through the counterfeit North Korean cigarette scandal of 2007, and we look forward to many more years of friendly cooperation once this matter is resolved. In the meantime, is anyone here looking for a party?


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October 2011
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