dual dollar charles

Hey, listen for a minute, Morales. Don’t look up; just keep bagging that evidence and try not to attract the other officers’ attention, because I’m about to give you your first advanced lesson in detective work. This is no ordinary home invasion, kid, and I’m not just talking about the anthropomorphic bears, either. Look around: no signs of forced entry, and nothing missing? Plus, remember those three bowls of porridge in the breakfast nook? Sure, it makes sense that the papa bear’s bowl was piping hot, but look at these other two. I mean, the mother bear’s bowl being cold while the baby bear’s bowl was just right? Look at the difference in the two bowls’ size and think about it: how would the mother bear’s porridge, which was considerably larger than the baby’s bowl, have cooled off faster? Unless… she served herself first! Now tell me something, Morales, what kind of a mother feeds herself before she feeds her child? I’m telling you, between this and the parents sleeping in separate beds, there’s something this bitch isn’t telling us.

To make it as a police detective, you’ve gotta have a few things. Most important is a luxury condo with a great view. Women are attracted to intense, mysterious, brooding men, and you wanna have a nice environment to bone your many beautiful sexual conquests in; it’s common courtesy. Now, that part you got down. And I gotta say, that seaside view you got with your place is so great. Tons of girls are gonna want it doggystyle so you can both enjoy the sunrise as you make sweet, tender love. Who’d you use, by the way- Sheila? What’d I tell you, Morales, best interior decorator in town, huh?

But also vital to a good sleuth are natural curiosity and a keen observational eye. Me, I was meant to be a detective. Let me squint into the distance for a minute and I’ll tell you why. When I was a child, my mother had a strict rule that I, her only child, was not allowed to touch her collection of porcelain figurines from the Franklin Mint. A new one arrived in the mail every month, and as the collection grew, the amount of space in my home I was confined to diminished to the point where I had just a small path to take me through the display tables that lined the hallways from my bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen. That’s the kind of upbringing that good snoops come from. Plus, I picked up some great fingerprint-dusting techniques by watching her verify that I was following her edict not to touch the figurines, and if a perp ever comes at me with a belt, let’s just say I know some great defense positions that will minimize the number of really good stingy hits he can deliver before backup arrives.

But I digress. Anyway, this case is fishy, and we’re gonna get to the bottom of it. Who knows; there might be a connection to that missing-girl case. Just a hunch. I don’t wanna play into any stereotypes about bears here, just playing the percentages. Oh Christ, Morales, don’t give me that look, you know perfectly well what I’m talking about.


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October 2011
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