the boston straggler

Hey, Kyle, how’s the homework going? Remedial math, huh? Boy, that brings back some memories! Listen, why don’t you take a break for some ice cream- is strawberry okay? Ha, I knew that was your favorite! Hey, while I got you here, I’d like to talk to you about something. Ever since Benny brought you home last month and told us you needed a place to stay, Mrs. B and I have been glad to have you. While you’re in our house, we’re gonna love you like one of our own. But we do expect you to obey the same rules, and since you might be here for the long haul, it’s probably time to clarify a couple of those for you.

Sometimes in the mornings as I’m leaving for work, I can’t help but notice young ladies sneaking out of your bedroom window. Aside from the very serious health concerns raised by my not yet having seen the same girl twice, it’s probably not appropriate for you to be using our house for this kind of activity, especially on school nights. If you need me to leave the car unlocked in the garage, I can do that, but only on weekends. But for your information, I always know how many miles are on the odometer, so no funny business. Also, could you occasionally direct some spillover Benny’s way? Hearing your encounters with college girls and single moms you bring home from bars has been really tough for him, what with all the problems he’s had getting a date for the Homecoming dance.

Okay, now that that’s cleared up, there’s other thing I’d like to talk to you about. I’ve noticed my sock drawer hasn’t been as meticulously organized as I usually keep it. Without accusing you of anything, Kyle, I just want to tell you that you are welcome to anything in our house, but it’s very important that you ask first. You see, Mrs. B and I sometimes have things that we’d like to keep a private matter, and from your pale visage and inability to make eye contact, I can tell you’ve stumbled across one such item. And listen, I am really sorry you saw those photos. The practice Mrs. B and I were engaged in is called pegging, and I want to stress that it does not make you gay. In fact, lots of heterosexual couples do it, and there are a lot more of us out there than you think. Respectable people too; the online forum Mrs. B and I moderate gets regular contributions from several doctors, a city councilwoman, and numerous clergy. Sorry if I’m going on about this, but as you can tell, it’s a topic Mrs. B and I are really passionate about.

Okay, I’m glad we had this talk. I don’t want you to think we’re coming down too hard on you, especially after your previous home situation. You’re a terrific kid, and it says something that in three weeks, those are the only concerns we’ve had. For example, I’m really glad I don’t have to talk to about our rule regarding eating at least one green vegetable at dinner every night- keep up the good work!


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November 2011
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