my completely justified inferiority complex

Ahoy, fellow rum drinker!

Congratulations on your recent purchase of Barbary Coast Spiced Rum. Such a selection speaks to not only your discriminating taste, but your keen eye for bargains. The smooth, rich taste of Barbary Coast Spiced rum is perfect for any occasion, whether reuniting with estranged loved ones, forgetting your hopes and dreams in a bus depot, or out for a night on the town acting like an idiot with your stupid fucking friends.

We here at Barbary Coast Spiced Rum thank you for your patronage, knowing as we do how flavored rum’s popularity is at an all-time low, due to its association with all manner of unsavory characters. For example, Jimmy Buffett’s music is now inextricably linked in the public’s mind with traumatic memories of the time they accidentally found their dad’s Cialis prescription. Those television advertisements showing Captain Morgan’s escapades at sea imply quite a bit more consensual heterosexual assignations than is likely historically accurate. And while his connection to flavored rum is at best tenuous, the sheriff of Malibu routinely violates the taxpayers’ trust by abusing his unchallenged authority, indulging his legendary hatred of goldbrickers with his coffee mug. As a customer, you’ve gotta be pretty loyal to a product to brave that kind of social stigma, and we want to repay that devotion by providing a top-notch product. You see, at Barbary Coast Spiced Rum, we think of ourselves as more than just a front for an international heroin smuggling operation. We’re also the proud makers of a rum that starting March 2012, will be 30% less likely to make you go blind.

As you know, drinking the contents of this bottle will condemn you to lifelong membership in a tiny, marginalized segment of society. Indeed, it’s often been said that the last acceptable form of hate speech in this country is disparagement of spiced rum enthusiasts, which means we’ve gotta stick together. So log onto our website to receive special offers and learn about Barbary Coast Spiced Rum-sponsored events in your town, where you can meet other Barbary Coast Spiced Rum drinkers and get exclusive sneak previews of new Barbary Coast products, even before they’ve been tested on animals. While you’re at it, get to know our Barbary Coast Spiced Rum Sweethearts, whose flirtatious smiles will never betray their secret contempt for you, because they’re trained to enforce the shallow, juvenile view of women that is an essential part of the Barbary Coast Spiced Rum experience.

All right, we’ve kept you long enough. If this message goes on much longer, your hand will be shaking too hard to hold the paper, am I right? So grab those Shastas out of the freezer before the cans split, pour yourself a generous serving of Barbary Coast Spiced Rum into your kid’s Charlie Brown Thermos, and hide your boat keys. Because soon your English won’t be any more coherent than that of the eight year-old calligraphist writing this note in a sweatshop.


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November 2011
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