i didn’t want to be in your stupid will anyway, uncle lazlo

Let’s face it; the fact that you’re home right now watching judge shows means you likely fit into one of two categories. If you were injured in a car accident and need a tough, smart lawyer who will battle the greedy insurance companies for every last dollar you have coming, hang tight; their ad will be along shortly. Probably next, in fact. For the rest of you, though: pick up the phone right now- don’t waste another second! Call Mountain Stone Academy and take your first step to an exciting career in the profitable field of drug muling! If you own a beige or white four-door sedan with clean plates, and a nice golf shirt tucked into a pressed pair of chinos, then let our experts get you on the path to getting out from under those bills by calmly telling customs agents that you’re just coming back from a routine safety inspection of your company’s newly opened plant in Monterrey!

Now, I know what you’re thinking- “Hey, TV jerkface! I’ve been burned by commercials like this in the past!” Hey, here at Mountain Stone Academy, we’ve heard the story before; hell, we lived it! You went to trade school and found a great job, then your company broke your union and shipped your job overseas. You went to bartending school, but found yourself drinking the profits to comfort yourself after hearing the customers’ depressing stories, which really seem to have grown both in intensity and frequency the last six or seven years. And just when you thought you had found your golden ticket by graduating from that televangelist’s Apostle-Anointing Institute, a couple years ago you had to close up shop, having found it impossible to compete with Tea Party rallies for your flock’s attention and hard-earned donation dollars. But at Mountain Stone Academy, we’ve got the statistics to prove that this time will be different. You see, after being repeatedly boned by the traditional, “lawful” marketplace, more and more people just like you are giving a second look to today’s black market. Hey, if the government’s not gonna extend your unemployment benefits so they can afford to continue hemorrhaging money on an unwinnable drug war, shouldn’t you at least get a piece of the action?

Come on, where do you wanna be six months from now? Still sleeping on that couch? Or impressing your new bosses with your ability to throw off the dogs, having learned from our pros how to properly line your trunk with coffee grounds? Before long, you’ll be capitalizing on challenging advancement opportunities, and Mountain Stone Academy will be there with post-graduate classes to further your development as a smuggler, as you’ll need to undertake continually riskier jobs to keep proving your loyalty! Remember, you’re a lot more valuable, and therefore harder to kill, if our Hollywood makeup artists have trained you with the technique to make a busload of teenage sex slaves look like a group of senior citizens returning from their tour of Chichen Itza. So what are you waiting for? Call the number on your screen and open the door to your future with the newfound confidence and self-respect that can only come from mastery of coveted workplace skills such as staying cool under pressure, not freaking out, and keeping your fucking mouth shut, cabron.


1 Response to “i didn’t want to be in your stupid will anyway, uncle lazlo”

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November 2011
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